life

"I've spent a life time looking for the truth and I have become the lie. Maybe some secrets should just stay secret."
-Little Black Book

chances [now and then]

"We do not get unlimited chances to have the things we want [...] and nothing is worse than missing the opportunity that could have changed your life."
-Grey's Anatomy


For the longest time, I thought that he was the one that got away.. that I lost the greatest thing that had ever happened to me.. I blamed myself for all the tears.. I blamed myself for all the difficult times.. Up until very recently, I continually believed that if I had only been a better person, I wouldn't have lost him..

But now.. NOW I am fully aware of the fact that he treated me like shit. He didn't treat me the way a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend when we were "together", and he doesn't treat me the way a friend should treat his friend now..

So I'm able to completely let go now.

I was able to partially let go.. and be pretty happy.. but then I got to wondering all those "what if" situations.. That led to complications in my own life that I now realize were completely unnecessary.

Nevertheless, despite all the pain I've gone through, I'm glad I did have to go through with it. And all the timing worked out so well.. If I hadn't been so stuck on the past before, I would have probably settled on someone not worth my time and effort. Now I am finally mature enough and smart enough to really give myself to someone.. I am able to I guess commit to someone who will treat me right.

So far, so good. I've found someone who does just that. Although I'm being more careful in trusting him completely, I'm opening myself up enough to know that he is who makes me happy.. and I can trust enough to know that he isn't out to hurt me.. that he's here to stay..

Love is a big risk. You can either be really unfortunate and find someone who treats you like dirt.. Or you can be really lucky and find someone amazing who will love and adore you like you deserve to be.

But this time around, it's a chance I'm willing to take.

a letter

To: The boy who keeps me smiling

Tell me. How does it feel to know that you have changed my life so much so that I feel more complete, more satisfied, and more peaceful? How does it feel to know that you are the reason I smile so frequently throughout my day?

I love that you enjoy my company because you "don't have to try so hard" when you're with me. I love that you enjoy my company because I'm simply just a "chill" type of girl. I love that you enjoy my company because we can be sweet and cheesy and just laugh about being so lame.

Despite all the mini-drama that I may bring up sometimes, I want you to know that you really do mean a LOT to me. You've made such a difference in my life and there is NO way I could ever truly express my gratitude. I know that we're not just a phase.. we're not just a fling to each other.. I know what we have, whatever it IS that we have, is real. It's something that I know I need to appreciate not just on a daily basis, but a constant basis.

I want you to understand that although I cannot promise that I will never hurt you, that I will never upset you.. I CAN promise that when I do, I will still be here to make the pain and stress go away. I will not just give up and walk away.

Whether this means I am thinking too much again, or that I'm getting too serious.. I just want to throw it out there that I care about you.. a lot.

Love always, J.