IN(dependent) rant

I miss being independent. I guess, in a way, I also mean being anti-social, but not all emo-type though. I used to be able to control my own life and decide on my own how my day would unravel. I used to be more organized and on-task with my goals.

Now I've let the choices of others control the choices I make for myself. It's not even that I want them to make the decisions for me.. I am becoming more and more of a huge pushover. And I'm sick of it. Completely sick of it.

On a completely opposite rant, however, I just want to point out that I hate your job. I hate that every other weekend, I scramble to keep myself busy with things I *need* to get done... I hate that every other weekend and two nights a week I can't sleep... I hate knowing that you're miles and miles away from me and that you have to drive so far when you're so tired.. I'm so scared every night.. always praying that you'll make it home safely. I hate that I'm in the basement because if anything happens, I wouldn't know. I hate that there's so much time in the week (and in the day even) that I find myself feeling really, really lonely.. really, really wishing you were here..

I don't know.. Am I losing my independence by choice or is it all unraveling naturally in the "scheme of life"? When can I just start going back to my "normal self"?

I miss you baby. I really, really miss you.. a lot... a lot...

lights.

I hate fluorescent lights. I prefer lamps.
Flourescent lights expose the ugly side of people, while lamps create a soft, warm glow.
Flourescent lights hurt my eyes when I'm just waking up, while lamps help my eyes gradually adjust.
Flourescent lights make me think of working (in a stressful atmosphere), while lamps make me think of reading (in a cozy atmosphere).
"Flourescent lights" is probably not even how you SPELL it properly; "lamps" is something I learned how to spell in 1st grade.

[I definitely just broke my parallel prose.]

I hate flourescent lights. I prefer lamps.
We have both in our bedroom... and he always turns on those fluorescent lights!!!

never satisfied.

People are never satisfied. We come up with new things to complain about every single day.

Whether it's being stuck in traffic, crappy weather, crying babies in a waiting room, (preteens), politics, or cold food, there are always negative comments.

The past few days was beautiful weather. Yesterday I had a customer who still found a reason to complain:

"What is going on with this weather? It's November. It should be cold already! [Darn] global warming."

Smile. It's nice out, you got your drugs, and you can enjoy the rest of your night NOT dealing with people like yourself.

Shut up already.

moving on.

So I've changed in so many ways over the past year alone. I mean there are the obvious changes that have lead me to the happiest moments of my life:

• Getting on that train for a first date.
• Getting on the train to his house after the first date.
  
• Saying YES ;) (on more than one occasion)
  
• Going back to school (not so much happiest... but it was a good turn in the right direction)
  
• Letting go of the past (no, this doesn't have to do with any past relationships in the sense of boyfriends)

I've changed the way I dress (to an extent I've gotten more fashionably smarter).. I've changed the way I shop (Still a bargain shopper, but I've changed what my priority splurges are)... I've changed the way I eat (this basically went downhill from that first barbeque Lays potato chip)... and I've changed the options I have in spending my free time. I no longer have the urge to go to house parties or think to myself "LET'S GET WASTED!!!" I'd much rather spend a night in, watching movies or TV... or playing ROCKBAND I've started to prefer going to museums and discovering the greatest aspects of living so close to Chicago, both the city and downtown... and started drifting away from the clubbing and bar-crawling scene. All these changes and I feel like I'm starting to get too old for my age. No more drama... no more arguments over petty things.. I don't have the time or energy to be bothered with any of it.

But nevertheless, life still seems to be complicated and demanding. I've become so tired lately... not just in the sense of being physically exhausted but I'm tired of the hectic schedule that my life has become. I wish I could take off more days at work, but 1) I need the money and 2) we're so short-staffed that I feel guilty about not working any free moment that I can.

We barely get enough time to ourselves anymore. The only time we DO have together to relax is late at night (on his nights off of course). And since it's our only moment, we try to use up all the time we can.. which causes us to sleep well beyond 4am sometimes. Then we have to wake up early... whether it is to go to school or do errands.. but it seems as if every morning is something I have to dread. Even Sundays are much busier that I would like.

I know I'm just whining and ranting in this blog entry, but I feel that it's the only way I can express these thoughts because there is no one else out there that I want to bother...

ignorance.

R: So what nationality are you?

J: I'm filipino.

R: Oh, so do you speak Japanese?

J: No. I'm Filipino. I speak Tagalog.

R: Oh, I must have confused you with the other girl who works here.

J: No, she's Vietnamese. She speaks Vietnamese.

R: -sigh- Sorry. I can't tell any of you apart.

---

C: So, what nationality are you?

J: I'm Filipino.

C: Oh, I have this awesome dragon thing at my house that my friend bought for me in Japan.. there's a little poster that came with it.. would you be able to read the Japanese print?

J: Oh, no, it's different... in the Philippines, we use English letters..

C: Well, can't you read it anyway???

bubbles

I’m aware that in other countries, the idea of a “personal bubble” simply doesn’t exist. When you get into an empty elevator, you stand wherever you want.. but the instant a 2nd person comes in, you divide the space equally. As more people fill into the elevator, everyone creates a bubble around themselves and hopefully, no one steps into those invisible boundaries.

Similar to this analogy are parking your car, being seated by a hostess, or even choosing study tables in the library.

In other countries, such as China, where overpopulation doesn’t give much freedom to “bubbles”, they don’t waste space. On the elevator, 1st person stands in a corner. As space fills up with bodies, they pack in as many people as possible, without considering each others’ comfort zones.

But here is my little complaint: we are not in an overpopulated country. We are in America… and really, if there’s only you and me in a large room, or specifically in a completely empty bathroom, don’t come close to me. It’s not that I’m a nasty, disgusting girl you shouldn’t be near… it’s just common courtesy people! I don’t want you parking your car ever so closely next to mine when the rest of the lot is empty. I don’t want to be able to smell what you ate for lunch on your breath as you yell at me for being late to work. I don’t want to smell your nasty BO in the stall next to me.

Just give me my space people. I have a comfort zone, and I would very much appreciate it if you didn’t cross it. Please and thank you. :] have a great day!