IN(dependent) rant

I miss being independent. I guess, in a way, I also mean being anti-social, but not all emo-type though. I used to be able to control my own life and decide on my own how my day would unravel. I used to be more organized and on-task with my goals.

Now I've let the choices of others control the choices I make for myself. It's not even that I want them to make the decisions for me.. I am becoming more and more of a huge pushover. And I'm sick of it. Completely sick of it.

On a completely opposite rant, however, I just want to point out that I hate your job. I hate that every other weekend, I scramble to keep myself busy with things I *need* to get done... I hate that every other weekend and two nights a week I can't sleep... I hate knowing that you're miles and miles away from me and that you have to drive so far when you're so tired.. I'm so scared every night.. always praying that you'll make it home safely. I hate that I'm in the basement because if anything happens, I wouldn't know. I hate that there's so much time in the week (and in the day even) that I find myself feeling really, really lonely.. really, really wishing you were here..

I don't know.. Am I losing my independence by choice or is it all unraveling naturally in the "scheme of life"? When can I just start going back to my "normal self"?

I miss you baby. I really, really miss you.. a lot... a lot...