whirlwind

What a whirlwind of events and thoughts..

First of all, despite being SUPER dramatized by money, I feel that my life is actually in a very good place right now. For the moment, I am actually sitting back, realizing that I am virtually happy and satisfied with the way things are going.

I think part of it is that I cleaned up a lot today... I rearranged a few pieces of furniture, I sold a few books and movies to the used book store ($15! ^o^ haha), I sold my Wii (yes, sad to see it go but I needed the money more), and I've posted other various frivolous belongings for sale online to further save money and finally get ahead. I applied for a few places for a second job, and hopefully I get a response from one.. I would really like to have extra spending money and really earn something for myself, you know?

Now, moving on.. I know I've complained a lot about JJ's job and not being able to spend enough time with him.. but now I realize it's okay. We both have to make sacrifices to be able to enjoy the time we DO have together, and his job is actually pretty great (depending on how you look at it haha).. He makes a decent paycheck on a weekly basis.. it's not a stressful job at all (except for when he gets super tired).. especially compared to his previous place of employment.. I think the biggest downfall is the location. He DOES travel quite a bit to get there, and in traffic, it can really suck.

And I'm learning how to take advantage of the time I have without him. I can really get a lot done (no offense baby) and feel much more accomplished with my life. Plus, I'm back to reading again! =D Right now, I'm actually reading 2 different books at a time.. two very different stories though.. Just for a change of pace from time to time.

The first book is Bookends by Jane Green. I've already read it, but it's the first time I've opened it since I last put it down 3 1/2 years ago. It truly feels like a new book -- all that reminds me that it's not is all the highlights I did back in 2005.

The second book is All Families Are Psychotic by Douglas Coupland. It's pretty interesting so far. Honestly I picked it up simply for the title and a quick scan of the blurb. It was definitely a great idea and I'm glad I paid the entire $1 for it at the book store ;)

Although I wouldn't readily admit it to my family anytime within the next decade, I'm actually considering taking classes for culinary arts. I'm still going to stick with pharmacy because it's a great profession (plus it makes you hate people.. which I believe gives you character and a different outlook on life in general -- and not always in the negative "I hate the world" type of way either) and it's a great backbone too.. Okay okay, what I mean to say is there's money in pharmacy.

But despite knowing that I'll be financially secure being a professional, PharmD drug dealer, I would really like to pursue an education of (if not a career in) baking and/or restaurant management. I know I'm a qualified leader-type, I have a passion for baking and cooking (well, I'm getting there haha), and... it's always been a dream of mine. But then again, isn't that what half of us daydream about anyway?

"It's always been a dream of mine to someday run...
... a restaurant"
... a bookstore"
... a coffee shop"
... my own car shop / garage"

"It's always been a dream of mine...
... to live happily ever after".

Nevertheless, I still would like to have the opportunity to make it come true. Not necessarily even in the next 15 years.. but someday. I am also aware that an opportunity like that isn't just going to just hand itself to me. I will need the experience, education, and money to do so.

So I want to start from the bottom and work my way up. And for that I also need time.. and what time better than now. Like I said, it's been a whirlwind of a day.. lots of thinking, lots of rearranging, lots of change. But most of all, lots of progress.. yes, they're all little baby steps, but there have definitely been steps towards a better future. So, for the time being, I'm virtually happy and satisfied with my life.

Confidence.

Why do girls care so much about their looks? What compels us to worry in such excess about how we will be judged by women and men alike? I can't say that I am a woman apart... I am guilty of such behavior as well. But honestly, I'm starting to not care. I'm done dressing "trendy" and stylish. I just want to be more practical. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm so comfortable in my life on a whole (well, of course there's stress and drama, but that's obviously besides the point).

That level of comfort that I've been able to find in my own life I guess reflects the level of confidence I have as well. And that's something I know I'm lucky to have achieved. There are so many people, women and men alike, that are desperate. Desperate to fit in, desperate to find "the one", desperate to be something they may or may not be. Maybe it's the time of year. Everything is so rushed and blurry during the holidays. You start to forget to relax sometimes... you forget to smile.

**totally lost my train of thought. moving on to a slightly off tangent**

I came across this poem in a compilation of writings on beauty.. and I am so drawn to it that I had to post it.

"Whether spawned by hell or sprung from the stars,
Fate like a spaniel follows at your heel;
you sow haphazard fortune and despair,
ruling all things, responsible for none.

Dazzled, the dayfly flutters round your wick,
crackles, flares, and cries: I bless this torch!
The pining lover for his lady swoons
like a dying man adoring his own tomb."
-Charles Baudelaire, Hymn to Beauty


It's only an excerpt of many comparisons that Mr Baudelaire makes in association with beauty. I am so intrigued by it because it takes on both the good and ugly side of beauty. A woman (or man) could be blessed with astonishing physical features and yet take full advantage of others with that beauty and make them a completely ugly person on the whole. On the other hand, one could be just another face in the crowd, completely overlooked, and yet have a personality that one could argue would be one of the most beautiful people on earth.

If only people could get past the superficial and open their eyes a bit. This world would be so different...

love.. theoretically.

So we just finished watching Love Actually. And I truly enjoyed it... but... I realize now how differently I watch these movies.

Once upon a time, I would watch all these romantic comedies (sucker for Hugh Grant). I would hope that one day someone would (figuratively) sweep me off my feet and give me a happily ever after. Then I went through a phase of hating The Notebook and A Walk to Remember... fully knowing that I would never be as happy as the characters in those movies (or other Nicholas Sparks novels).

But now... I am settled with one man for the rest of my life... and as I watch the credits roll on yet another movie featuring Hugh Grant and Kiera Knightley, I can't help but be completely in awe. He rarely gets me flowers (I'm actually not a fan at all), he farts a lot, he's lazy, he's a jerk to lots of people, and he can get pretty darn annoying... but with all of that said... I absolutely love him. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else right now... and as much as this makes others sick to their stomachs to hear, I just want to express how lucky I feel to be with someone who can love me back so completely.

Ok, I kinda made myself want to throw up a little there.

Point being... it's not a fairy tale, it's not a harlequin novel, it's not another chick flick romantic comedy.. It's my life.. and it's a dream come true.

-gag-

And it's changed me in a way that I'm enjoying: I've stopped analyzing my life to the point of insanity. I've been able to take a step back and expand my horizons. I stopped focusing on all the petty little drama and just... moved on.

Yeah, it seems like my life is so simple now, but it's far from it. I'll vent here and there... I'll throw my tantrums once in a while... but I have to admit... life hasn't been the same... and I absolutely love it.

It's love(really).

*lame!!! hahaha

I think I'm starting to take things for granted, so I want to take a step back to just acknowledge how much there is I need to be grateful for...

• The most important one: I am now in a position in my life where I could truly be completely comfortable and satisfied.. I'm still at that stage of marital bliss, where virtually nothing could challenge how much I love my husband.
• Which brings me to I guess a second point: he does almost everything to keep me happy... even if it's something he probably shouldn't do or doesn't need to do (like treat me out to dinner)... I'm getting spoiled I'm finally with someone who keeps me happy, who goes out of his way to make sure of this, and who I still fall in love with each and every day...
  
• Despite how much I whine and complain about them, I am still grateful to have the family that I have. We are, on the surface, a pretty amazing bunch: a mom, a dad, sister, brother, and grandma. My dad is super funny most of the time - even when things are really hard, he'll still try to slip in a few jokes. My mom is super organized and keeps things in control most of the time. My brother and I have become closer, and although we argue about the little things, I am still really grateful to have him (vs. a lot of other crazy kids out there) as my own brother.
• With the economy going to pieces and people desperate to find and keep jobs, I'm glad that I'm pretty stable with a company that has a pretty reputable name. Yes, I am looking for a new working environment, but I am still grateful for the past 5 years... it paid for a lot of things over that half-decade

What started all of this?? I was up until 5 in the morning last night / today just re-reading all my old blogs... It's crazy how much I've changed, and it's really entertaining how over-dramatic I was back then... not saying I'm not that way today, but I could easily argue that I've matured a lot. It was an eye-opener too. I saw what I used to wish and hope for, and realize I already have so much that others would only dream of having. So, without flaunting all of this or bragging at all, this is a blog of simply appreciating everything around me.