IN(dependent) rant

I miss being independent. I guess, in a way, I also mean being anti-social, but not all emo-type though. I used to be able to control my own life and decide on my own how my day would unravel. I used to be more organized and on-task with my goals.

Now I've let the choices of others control the choices I make for myself. It's not even that I want them to make the decisions for me.. I am becoming more and more of a huge pushover. And I'm sick of it. Completely sick of it.

On a completely opposite rant, however, I just want to point out that I hate your job. I hate that every other weekend, I scramble to keep myself busy with things I *need* to get done... I hate that every other weekend and two nights a week I can't sleep... I hate knowing that you're miles and miles away from me and that you have to drive so far when you're so tired.. I'm so scared every night.. always praying that you'll make it home safely. I hate that I'm in the basement because if anything happens, I wouldn't know. I hate that there's so much time in the week (and in the day even) that I find myself feeling really, really lonely.. really, really wishing you were here..

I don't know.. Am I losing my independence by choice or is it all unraveling naturally in the "scheme of life"? When can I just start going back to my "normal self"?

I miss you baby. I really, really miss you.. a lot... a lot...

Confidence.

Why do girls care so much about their looks? What compels us to worry in such excess about how we will be judged by women and men alike? I can't say that I am a woman apart... I am guilty of such behavior as well. But honestly, I'm starting to not care. I'm done dressing "trendy" and stylish. I just want to be more practical. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm so comfortable in my life on a whole (well, of course there's stress and drama, but that's obviously besides the point).

That level of comfort that I've been able to find in my own life I guess reflects the level of confidence I have as well. And that's something I know I'm lucky to have achieved. There are so many people, women and men alike, that are desperate. Desperate to fit in, desperate to find "the one", desperate to be something they may or may not be. Maybe it's the time of year. Everything is so rushed and blurry during the holidays. You start to forget to relax sometimes... you forget to smile.

**totally lost my train of thought. moving on to a slightly off tangent**

I came across this poem in a compilation of writings on beauty.. and I am so drawn to it that I had to post it.

"Whether spawned by hell or sprung from the stars,
Fate like a spaniel follows at your heel;
you sow haphazard fortune and despair,
ruling all things, responsible for none.

Dazzled, the dayfly flutters round your wick,
crackles, flares, and cries: I bless this torch!
The pining lover for his lady swoons
like a dying man adoring his own tomb."
-Charles Baudelaire, Hymn to Beauty


It's only an excerpt of many comparisons that Mr Baudelaire makes in association with beauty. I am so intrigued by it because it takes on both the good and ugly side of beauty. A woman (or man) could be blessed with astonishing physical features and yet take full advantage of others with that beauty and make them a completely ugly person on the whole. On the other hand, one could be just another face in the crowd, completely overlooked, and yet have a personality that one could argue would be one of the most beautiful people on earth.

If only people could get past the superficial and open their eyes a bit. This world would be so different...

love.. theoretically.

So we just finished watching Love Actually. And I truly enjoyed it... but... I realize now how differently I watch these movies.

Once upon a time, I would watch all these romantic comedies (sucker for Hugh Grant). I would hope that one day someone would (figuratively) sweep me off my feet and give me a happily ever after. Then I went through a phase of hating The Notebook and A Walk to Remember... fully knowing that I would never be as happy as the characters in those movies (or other Nicholas Sparks novels).

But now... I am settled with one man for the rest of my life... and as I watch the credits roll on yet another movie featuring Hugh Grant and Kiera Knightley, I can't help but be completely in awe. He rarely gets me flowers (I'm actually not a fan at all), he farts a lot, he's lazy, he's a jerk to lots of people, and he can get pretty darn annoying... but with all of that said... I absolutely love him. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else right now... and as much as this makes others sick to their stomachs to hear, I just want to express how lucky I feel to be with someone who can love me back so completely.

Ok, I kinda made myself want to throw up a little there.

Point being... it's not a fairy tale, it's not a harlequin novel, it's not another chick flick romantic comedy.. It's my life.. and it's a dream come true.

-gag-

And it's changed me in a way that I'm enjoying: I've stopped analyzing my life to the point of insanity. I've been able to take a step back and expand my horizons. I stopped focusing on all the petty little drama and just... moved on.

Yeah, it seems like my life is so simple now, but it's far from it. I'll vent here and there... I'll throw my tantrums once in a while... but I have to admit... life hasn't been the same... and I absolutely love it.

It's love(really).

*lame!!! hahaha

breaktime.

JJ needs a break. He deserves a good time... a small getaway.

-sigh-

I need to come up with something quick... Something low-maintenance, but fun.

I think I got it. Just gotta do my research :)

100 Things I Love About You

These are in no order whatsoever... Except of course the first one... I think... but then again, I could find other things more important, or just as important, later on... Well, we'll see. I'll just start :)

1. I fit in your nook.
   
2. You love me for exactly who I am... all the beauties.. all the "uglies".
3. We just celebrated out 1st anniversary... it's been exactly a year since our first date.. and a year since you officially asked me to be your girlfriend.
4. You survived a year of me and my family.
5. My family loves you! Even Ate!!!
6. The incredible level of trust and appreciation we have.
   
7. We built this room and made it our home.
8. Your new gray-free hair.
9. Falling asleep nestled in your arms.
10. Waking up on opposite ends of the bed, then squirming my way to your side of the bed.
11. Your love of Yoo-Hoos.
12. Our SUSHI adventures!
13. Some of the best days we have together are those spent lazying around, watching movies.
14. You have such a passion for music.
15. Your car -- I feel sexy just being in it with you driving ;)
16. Your friends... they feel like family to me too!
17. You won't stop loving me!
18. You love my body waaayyy too much LOL
19. Our nights off ;)
20. Our large, quickly-growing movie collection.
21. The trips to the used book store :)
22. Weekends in the city.
23. Watching kids fall on the ice in the winter :)
24. Remembering all the good times we've had.
25. When you make me dinner.
26. When we make dinner together.
27. When I catch you looking at me... Even after all these years....
28. You're one of the coolest guys I know.
29. All of your scarves :)
30. Your always-warm hoodies.. which smell like you when I wear them.
31. Your goofy faces in our pictures.
32. Your inappropriate groping hahahaha
33. Your laugh.
34. We complement each other so well!
35. We have had exactly 2 fights in the past year. Pretty darn good streak!
36. (According to you) I have influenced you to become a better person.
37. You can be such a goofball.
38. You don't care about eating only super healthy foods.
39. You're not stingy.
40. The way you always scratch your belly and stretch all obnoxiously in the morning.
    
41. I still get butterflies every now and then.
42. The way you always rub your legs against mine before you fall asleep.
43. You sat through countless episodes of Sex and the City, AND went to the midnight showing of the movie with me.
44. Your the only man I've been with to call me "baby"
45. The way you say my name.
46. The way my name sounds with your last name =)
47. You've opened my eyes to a lot of different things.
48. EL GALLO.
49. Your sidekick is a trooper.
50. Your family is my 2nd family.
51. You are such a jerk sometimes.
52. Your nicely trimmed eyebrows.
53. You got myspace, facebook, tumblr, AND blogger accounts because of me.
54. I got hooked on craigslist, honda-tech, and youtube because of you.
55. Your kisses still feel like the first kiss.
56. Turning our cell phones off to enjoy each other's company.
57. Watching you beat someone in a race.
58. Holding hands or walking with your arm around me.
59. You can identify actors / movies they've been in -- all in a split second.
60. Your backrubs and footrubs!
61. You spoil me rotten!
62. The way you iron your tshirts before we go somewhere nice.
63. Your urban style.
64. You leave the bathroom door unlocked when you shower.
65. When you come home from work, you make sure to take off all your dirty clothes before snuggling...
    
66. You go straight for my stummy and kiss it every day.
67. My booty snuggles straight into your hips.
68. Your light snoring.
69. <--You would laugh at this number.
70. You can speak tagalog.
71. You respect your elders (as long as they're cool) lol
72. You love your family.
73. You don't mind driving long distances since I hate it so much.
74. You're from the South Side.
75. You try reading a lot for me.
76. You sometimes eat just because you know I hate eating alone.
77. The comfortable security I have just being with you.
78. You know so many random facts that really impress me.
79. You don't mind washing the dishes.
80. You're very self-sufficient.
81. But you still depend on me -- which I absolutely LOVE!
82. You are really good at singing on Rock Band.
83. My engagement ring is the most significant, valuable materialistic thing in my life =)
    
84. You get entertained by simple things like Dust-Off.
85. I have to explain situations or odd facts for you to remember who my friends are [* example: Angelica was the one who sat across from me at the restaurant... the one who's kinda short... with the laugh... she got up and made her own food... etc etc. *]
86. You don't care that I talk about my past from time to time.
87. You aren't annoyed or upset easily.
88. Your baby pillows.
89. You hate fluffy pillows so I get all of them =)
90. You can pull off the sweater vest look.
91. When it's really cold (or windy), you always zip up my jacket or pull up my hoodie for me.
92. Mac Sauce.
93. Your stashes of cream soda & grape soda.
94. How sexy you looked when you dressed up for our anniversary plans.
95. The way we just lay in bed in the morning before a chaotically busy day.
96. Your kisses on my forehead and tip of my nose.
97. Your independent label tees.
98. Your black book.
99. You are virtually drama-free.
100. You're the coolest person I know!

That's definitely not a list of the only reasons I love you... or the most obvious... they're just the only ones that ran through my mind.

Thanks for the most amazing year of my life baby... Here's to many more years of undeniable rapture. ^_^

I think I'm starting to take things for granted, so I want to take a step back to just acknowledge how much there is I need to be grateful for...

• The most important one: I am now in a position in my life where I could truly be completely comfortable and satisfied.. I'm still at that stage of marital bliss, where virtually nothing could challenge how much I love my husband.
• Which brings me to I guess a second point: he does almost everything to keep me happy... even if it's something he probably shouldn't do or doesn't need to do (like treat me out to dinner)... I'm getting spoiled I'm finally with someone who keeps me happy, who goes out of his way to make sure of this, and who I still fall in love with each and every day...
  
• Despite how much I whine and complain about them, I am still grateful to have the family that I have. We are, on the surface, a pretty amazing bunch: a mom, a dad, sister, brother, and grandma. My dad is super funny most of the time - even when things are really hard, he'll still try to slip in a few jokes. My mom is super organized and keeps things in control most of the time. My brother and I have become closer, and although we argue about the little things, I am still really grateful to have him (vs. a lot of other crazy kids out there) as my own brother.
• With the economy going to pieces and people desperate to find and keep jobs, I'm glad that I'm pretty stable with a company that has a pretty reputable name. Yes, I am looking for a new working environment, but I am still grateful for the past 5 years... it paid for a lot of things over that half-decade

What started all of this?? I was up until 5 in the morning last night / today just re-reading all my old blogs... It's crazy how much I've changed, and it's really entertaining how over-dramatic I was back then... not saying I'm not that way today, but I could easily argue that I've matured a lot. It was an eye-opener too. I saw what I used to wish and hope for, and realize I already have so much that others would only dream of having. So, without flaunting all of this or bragging at all, this is a blog of simply appreciating everything around me.