Tuesday, November 21, 2006

moving on

Tuesday, November 21, 2006
So I guess it could be a good thing... but at the same time, it's so freakin' scary!

I'm just unsure of myself, that's all. I like this new guy... but he just broke up with his girlfriend.. but he called me right after! Doesn't that mean something? But I scared him away... but he's still talking to me!

And then there's the other one. I scared him away too... but it was JUST when I was starting to LIKE him!

What the hell am I doing... I'm not ready for any of this. :sigh:

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

suffocated by life

Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I'm overwhelmed. That's the exact word to describe how my life is at the moment.
Why is my life overwhelming? Boys - of course. Financial Dilemmas - I'm a college student. Future Plans - like I said, I'm a college student.
First of all, the boys. Yes, I still miss him. But at the same time, I'm moving on in life. But this only further complicates my life. There are too many boys, and with each one that I get closer to, the further I begin to push them away. Why? Because I'm scared. I'm scared that if I make a move, then I will lose him completely. I will lose all chances of ever getting him back. Even though at this point, I don't even know if I even have that chance anyway. I just wish I could talk to him! I wish I could just TALK to him!
So these new boys. First of all, there is one who I've been friends with for a year now, and recently we have taken our friendship one step further. Although it was fun at first, I'm starting to realize how wrong it feels. I feel dirty and slutty and uncomfortable with the whole situation. And all we've done is kiss! So I had to tell him to back off. That I wasn't ready for anything like that. And I hurt him. I guess he had feelings for me. So I hurt him.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I swear, I didn't even realize... which is my problem. I constantly hurt others because I don't think of their feelings. I'm too focused on myself. Even though, when I was with him, my problem was a lack of self-confidence. According to my [ex] closest friends at school, however, I now have become "cocky" and "annoying". So what the hell?! I can't please everyone. I know that. But if my closest friends are saying those kinds of things about me, TO MY FACE, then something must be wrong with me. Right?
But moving on, I have financial drama as well. I'm currently so overdrawn in my bank account that my paycheck that goes through at midnight tonight won't be enough to get me in the clear. I will have to borrow money, which I will not be able to pay back for another two weeks. And even then, I will still have more bills to pay, and more money to owe. This is getting all too frustrating and complicated for a college student. This is why I want to take a "break" and work full time for a semester (or two), then transfer to a community college. But of course, with parents like mine, this is easier said than done. They want me at a four-year private, catholic university because it has a more prestigious background. They do not consider, however, that it is costing me an arm and a leg to attend this school, not just in loans that I will pay when I graduate, but in the many small "costs" of commuting -- food, drink, transportation, and educational fees. Books alone cost me about $300 this year, and that's only because I didn't even buy all of my required books for the semester! I use up a tank of gas per week. Currently the gas prices are about $2.20 per gallon. That's about $22.00 a week, times four weeks a month, is $88/month for gas money. Then I pay my cell phone bill, which is $80/month, as well as my car payments, which are $176/month. Then, of course, I have a life, so I also buy lunch, occasionally dinner, for myself, as well as any miscellaneous purchases for a decent social life. Totaled, that's at least $366/month in necessary costs. Oh yeah! And I owe the school over $10,000 for my tuition.
Which is why I'll be working full time next semester. Making $1,700/month.
And ok, I'm too tired to write about the rest of my problems right now. Good enough for now. I'm going to bed. In a REALLY bad mood.
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