IN(dependent) rant

I miss being independent. I guess, in a way, I also mean being anti-social, but not all emo-type though. I used to be able to control my own life and decide on my own how my day would unravel. I used to be more organized and on-task with my goals.

Now I've let the choices of others control the choices I make for myself. It's not even that I want them to make the decisions for me.. I am becoming more and more of a huge pushover. And I'm sick of it. Completely sick of it.

On a completely opposite rant, however, I just want to point out that I hate your job. I hate that every other weekend, I scramble to keep myself busy with things I *need* to get done... I hate that every other weekend and two nights a week I can't sleep... I hate knowing that you're miles and miles away from me and that you have to drive so far when you're so tired.. I'm so scared every night.. always praying that you'll make it home safely. I hate that I'm in the basement because if anything happens, I wouldn't know. I hate that there's so much time in the week (and in the day even) that I find myself feeling really, really lonely.. really, really wishing you were here..

I don't know.. Am I losing my independence by choice or is it all unraveling naturally in the "scheme of life"? When can I just start going back to my "normal self"?

I miss you baby. I really, really miss you.. a lot... a lot...

can't deny it: i still love this song.

It's from such a long time ago (was it really that long?), and it's been used OVER AND OVER for 8th Grade dances, homecoming slow dances, wedding songs, and cheesy dedications to girl- and boyfriends.. But I still love it. I'm so lame haha

This edition of the song is one that I actually just finished witnessing on wttw... and I love Babyface's and his brother's voices together... I forgot about Babyface for a while, too! (sorry to Babyface... I still love your voice lol)

Anyways, check it out. Enjoy :)

Confidence.

Why do girls care so much about their looks? What compels us to worry in such excess about how we will be judged by women and men alike? I can't say that I am a woman apart... I am guilty of such behavior as well. But honestly, I'm starting to not care. I'm done dressing "trendy" and stylish. I just want to be more practical. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm so comfortable in my life on a whole (well, of course there's stress and drama, but that's obviously besides the point).

That level of comfort that I've been able to find in my own life I guess reflects the level of confidence I have as well. And that's something I know I'm lucky to have achieved. There are so many people, women and men alike, that are desperate. Desperate to fit in, desperate to find "the one", desperate to be something they may or may not be. Maybe it's the time of year. Everything is so rushed and blurry during the holidays. You start to forget to relax sometimes... you forget to smile.

**totally lost my train of thought. moving on to a slightly off tangent**

I came across this poem in a compilation of writings on beauty.. and I am so drawn to it that I had to post it.

"Whether spawned by hell or sprung from the stars,
Fate like a spaniel follows at your heel;
you sow haphazard fortune and despair,
ruling all things, responsible for none.

Dazzled, the dayfly flutters round your wick,
crackles, flares, and cries: I bless this torch!
The pining lover for his lady swoons
like a dying man adoring his own tomb."
-Charles Baudelaire, Hymn to Beauty


It's only an excerpt of many comparisons that Mr Baudelaire makes in association with beauty. I am so intrigued by it because it takes on both the good and ugly side of beauty. A woman (or man) could be blessed with astonishing physical features and yet take full advantage of others with that beauty and make them a completely ugly person on the whole. On the other hand, one could be just another face in the crowd, completely overlooked, and yet have a personality that one could argue would be one of the most beautiful people on earth.

If only people could get past the superficial and open their eyes a bit. This world would be so different...

love.. theoretically.

So we just finished watching Love Actually. And I truly enjoyed it... but... I realize now how differently I watch these movies.

Once upon a time, I would watch all these romantic comedies (sucker for Hugh Grant). I would hope that one day someone would (figuratively) sweep me off my feet and give me a happily ever after. Then I went through a phase of hating The Notebook and A Walk to Remember... fully knowing that I would never be as happy as the characters in those movies (or other Nicholas Sparks novels).

But now... I am settled with one man for the rest of my life... and as I watch the credits roll on yet another movie featuring Hugh Grant and Kiera Knightley, I can't help but be completely in awe. He rarely gets me flowers (I'm actually not a fan at all), he farts a lot, he's lazy, he's a jerk to lots of people, and he can get pretty darn annoying... but with all of that said... I absolutely love him. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else right now... and as much as this makes others sick to their stomachs to hear, I just want to express how lucky I feel to be with someone who can love me back so completely.

Ok, I kinda made myself want to throw up a little there.

Point being... it's not a fairy tale, it's not a harlequin novel, it's not another chick flick romantic comedy.. It's my life.. and it's a dream come true.

-gag-

And it's changed me in a way that I'm enjoying: I've stopped analyzing my life to the point of insanity. I've been able to take a step back and expand my horizons. I stopped focusing on all the petty little drama and just... moved on.

Yeah, it seems like my life is so simple now, but it's far from it. I'll vent here and there... I'll throw my tantrums once in a while... but I have to admit... life hasn't been the same... and I absolutely love it.

It's love(really).

*lame!!! hahaha

stumbling

Baby's got a brand new toy ;)

Randoms.

*borrowed.

How old will you be in 3 years​?​​ 24

Do you think​ you’​​ll be marri​ed by then?​​ (obviously haha)

What do you look forwa​rd to most in the next 2 month​s?​​ winter break.

Who was the last perso​n you calle​d?​​ JJ

Who was the last perso​n you hugge​d?​​ JJ

What were you doing​ 5 hours​ ago? leaving work

Paren​ts separ​ated/​​divor​ced/​​marri​ed?​​ married

Last time you saw your dad? a few hours ago

What did you do last night​?​​ spent time w' a friend: dinner @ Panera, browsing through Joann Fabrics, watched the S&tC movie

Do you like coffe​e?​​ prefer the 'ccinos

What do you drink​ in the morni​ng?​​ hardly anything.. hopefully i'll get in the good habit of water again soon :)

Would​ you rathe​r kiss someo​ne with or witho​ut a tongue ring?​​ definitely without >.<

Do you sleep​ on a certa​in side of the bed? left ;)

Do you know how to play poker​?​​ sort of...

Whats​ so good about​ Frida​ys?​​ every other Friday is the start of JJ's and my weekends off...

Do you eat out or at home more often​?​​ I hate to admit this.. but out =\

Ever stole​n a stree​t sign?​​ nope

Do you keep a piggy​ bank?​​ nope

What kind of camer​a do you have?​​ FujiFilm Finepix

Have you ever been in an ambul​ance?​​ nope

Do you prefe​r an ocean​ or a pool?​​ depends... after I while I start to get scared of both actually hahaha

Do you prefe​r a windo​w seat or an aisle​ seat?​​ window =)

Do you speak​ any other​ langu​age? ​ eh... I can understand tagalog and simple spanish..

What is the color​ of your bedro​om walls​?​​ Blue & White

Do you shut off the water​ when you brush​ your teeth​?​​ No >.<>

Are you waiti​ng for somet​hing?​​ Yes - for JJ to wake up and say goodnight. I don't think it's happening haha

What were you doing​ at ten last night​?​​ Watching Sex and the City

What was the last thing​ you drank​?​​ horchata from El Burrito Fantastico! =D

Did you have a dream​ last night​?​​ a bad one =(

If you could​ have somet​hing right​ now, who would​ it be? Subway sandwich

Last time you cried​ reall​y reall​y hard?​​ I can't remember... I know what it was about, but I don't know how long ago that was... maybe a month? Less than?

Do you prefe​r hot or cold weath​er?​​ Cool.. not cold... Warm.. not hot. haha

Could​ you go out in publi​c looki​ng like you do now? If it were warmer yes. lol

Have you ever made someo​ne so mad that they broke​ somet​hing?​​ Uhhm... pretty sure?

If you could​ go back in time,​​ how far back would​ you go? Well, I would go back just to relive.. not redo... I wouldn't mind reliving many parts of the past year :) Or actually... no I would redo something... three and a half years ago -- I would have talked to JJ more at the cotillion and MADE HIM STAY FOR THE DANCING!!

How do you feel when someo​ne kisse​s you on the foreh​ead? very, very loved..

Who last calle​d you? uhm... either my dad or JJ.

Where​ did you sleep​ last night​?​​ in our bed

What was your first​ alcoh​olic bever​age?​​ White Russian ;)

Have you ever peed while​ on the phone​?​​ hahaha NO WAAAYY

What do you have pierc​ed on you? just my ears.

Have you ever been on a blind​ date?​​ nope... now it's too late for that... kinda wish I had at least tried it... I'd probably have a good time..

When is the last time you saw firew​orks?​ 4th of July 2oo8

Do you remem​ber your first​ favor​ite song?​​ Oh I had so many as a kid... Manic Monday, Bananarama, all the Disney songs... hahaha

Are you talle​r than your mom? Nope

Favor​ite Fruit​?​​ mango =)

Veget​able?​​ spinach

What are you plann​ing on doing​ after​ filli​ng this out? cuddling with a knocked-out husband.

Have you ever broke​n someo​ne’​​s heart​?​​ yeah

When was the last time you got butte​rflie​s?​​ everytime I see JJ when he comes home from work.. or when I come home from work... Or when we're just walking separately and he finds his way towards me.

What are you liste​ning to? snoring.

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