Tuesday, August 29, 2006

it's funny how love works.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I knew it was the right thing to do. It was the best for the both of us - we could both focus on our studies... I wouldn't be distracted, and he wouldn't have to worry about having another major committment and have to lose all his freetime with me.

But somehow, this doesn't feel any better. Maybe it's because it's only the first week of school and I don't really have much to keep myself from thinking about him. But somehow, I feel that this hurts more than if we had remained friends. I regret it so much -- telling him that it would hurt to not be in a relationship and just be friends, because we pretty much suck at being just friends. I miss him. I really, really miss him. Everywhere I go, I see or hear something that makes me think of him. I hear a song I sang to him once, or one that he sang to me. My friends make a joke that I think he would find hilarious. I see people that transferred to my school that are his friends too. I watch a preview for a movie that I want to watch with him. I went into the toy aisle of a store and found toys that I wanted to buy him!

I can't get him out of my mind! We ended the relationship because we wanted to focus on our studies and keep our minds in the right places, but it's not working. I'm still constantly thinking about how much I miss him and how much I wish I could just talk to him and smile with him. I haven't smiled much lately. And I haven't opened up to anyone either. He was my best friend. I feel so alone without him. I feel my heart literally breaking every time I think about him. I miss him so much. And I don't know what to do about it.

I can't just "keep myself busy" and be okay with it. This isn't right, and I know it. We deserve to be together, and the fact that we're both going through such a hard time [at least, I think he is] proves that breaking up wasn't what we were supposed to do.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

past. present. future.

Sunday, August 20, 2006
You can't get to your future if your past is in your present.

I never quite remembered how the quote went, so I paraphrased and made up my own. That's what I came up with. I think about that everytime we fight. It's run through my mind so often lately that I start to wonder if this fight is worth fighting. I'm trying so desperately hard to keep us together -- why? Because I have put more dedication and committment into us than I have in anyone or anything else. I hate to admit it, but I hardly ever finish what I start. I always say I'll change, but I don't. There has only been one case in which I persisted in what I believed in, in what I would put my life on the line for -- and that's being with him.

No relationship is easy; that's a given. But when is it all too much? How many teardrops have to fall before you have to come to realize that something is seriously wrong?

I want to be able to just make everything better. I've attempted, but failed so often already. I feel like I'm the only one making an attempt though -- but I can't bring myself to say that to him because I don't want to be asking for too much.

He's got me wrapped around his finger, for the most part. Sometimes I'm able to put my foot down and tell him what's on my mind, but the instant I hang up on him, or the instant he starts to break down, I stop. I reconsider. I apologize. I take back what I say to make him happy.

And I'm only realizing now what he's been trying to tell me. How can he love me if I can't even be someone who sticks to what she believes in? Even as I write this blog I'm fighting with myself. I believe in our relationship, I still have hope. But I'm exhausted from the battle. I need him to help me keep going. But I feel as if he has given up the fight, or at least has sit down to 'think' (even though at the given moment I'm in bed, praying he'll call me later, while he's off with friends bonding and having a good time).

Who am I kidding (other than myself)? I'm in denial -- I'm not in anything that's in the least bit healthy. I am not happy, and it's because of my own actions and decisions that I'm not happy.

So, what do I do now? He's my best friend, too. So AM I ready to lose a best friend too?

Thursday, August 17, 2006

More Sex & the City Reflections

Thursday, August 17, 2006

So in one of the episodes in Season Four, Miranda meets a guy at the gym. He finds her sexy [in fact he keeps repeating that statement several times in the episode] and Miranda hardly even says a word. She feels so confident about herself and she, herself, begins to believe how sexy she can be. This is a pretty exciting moment, since she hardly ever sees herself as 'sexy' ('cute' and 'intelligent', yes). So on the next date, she decided to tell Mr. Bodybuilder all about herself, and she even boldly leans in for a kiss to initiate some fire. Because she is caught up in her newfound self-confidence, she is a bit surprised/confused when he ends up calling it a night before her lips touch his.
Why, you ask?
Well, at the gym in a later scene, after not having returned any of her calls, Mr. Bodybuilder admits to Miranda that "she's a bit full of herself"
So all that time that Miranda was able to carry a wave of self-pride, but it was a turn off to the guy she was dating because he felt that she was just too cocky for him.

Alright so girls deserve to feel sexy. I'm not saying everyone should go out and there and leave nothing to the imagination for guys walking down the street, but at least they should be able to feel like they are the most beautiful, most powerful woman in town.

I started feeling this way recently and decided I wanted to feel like that. I've been a little depressed because of some drama that has complicated my life way beyond my comfort zone, so I did what I do best in stressful situations:

I went shopping.
Because I wanted to feel more "sexy" I decided to go splurge at Victoria's Secret. I ended up buying a nice new collection of lingerie that definitely boosted my confidence.
Today I went on a little group date with him and a few friends and I wore my new "Very Sexy Infinity Edge" push up bra with 2 layered tank tops and capris. As I got dressed in the morning I truly felt sexier than I had ever felt in the past week.s
When I was finally alone with him, however, he admitted that he had been upset that I was wearing such a revealing outfit, and that he couldn't understand why I would buy a bra to make my 'assets' look bigger, meaning guys would look.
I instantly felt that wave of pride wash away with each word he spoke. I understood where he was coming from, but it FELT so good to LOOK that good that I was thoroughly saddened that he was not happy for me, or even excited about my new lingerie. It truly got me wondering, though. Should I be feeling guilty? Every girl deserves her moments of sexiness and pride. But is there a difference between a girl who is proud of her body and a whore?

Saturday, August 05, 2006

the one that got away

Saturday, August 05, 2006

[posted on my myspace blog]

I was on xanga today, and I came across an article that Dennis had posted, and I want to share it with you today. It's amazing because if I were already the journalist I want to be someday, this is actually one of the topics i would have used for an article. Crazy how things can jump at you at the right moments, huh?
Oh, and I know you're going to relate this to your life somehow, I just KNOW it. I think most, if not all, of us will be able to think of someone already, whether we've already gone through "the change" yet...

Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with ¡¦ and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become deal breakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter.

All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple ¡¦ find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "the one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got this one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

now. my reflection

You're going to go through life always wondering about the "What If..'s" in life... Like the article said, you just have to accept the fact that what's in your past is in your past... Sometimes things will come around on its own and you'll get your happily ever after, but sometimes it won't work out that way.

To quote one of the people I look to most for direction:

It's like in Hitch....I know it's corny...but when you love somebody you jump and hope to God that you can fly. And even if you fall to your death or break every bone in your body..you'll know you took that leap for something that meant the world to you. Otherwise you let that moment pass and you are left wondering "what if." I don't believe in letting it go or letting it work itself out in the future not now if it's something you know you want. Carpe diem. Sieze the day. Find your demons, confront them, discover yourself and live for the moment. There is no point in time than when you'll feel more alive than NOW.

I guess this blog is a bit reflective for a myspace blog [I usually keep the extremely thoughtful stuff in my private journal ] but I really want people to understand this concept, and I'm hoping I'll help someone out... Because there are always people out there [myself included] that have questions that no one can answer; there are always people out there reaching for something they can't find.

haha, I guess you could say they either take the religious route and pray about it, or they look to people that won't judge them like a close relative would:

a perfect stranger.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Thursday, August 03, 2006
I hate fighting, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not enjoying the times when we're together as much as I used to. I'm not myself around him, but I guess in any relationship, you're a different person when you're with your "love".

But I do suddenly see how much I've changed just because I'm 'with' him [not physically]. This summer was a lot different than last summer, as a friend and I discussed this evening. Last summer, I was completely single, and I met a lot of great people -- girls and guys alike. Not just people I had feelings for, but people I had a lot of fun with. I wasn't just part of one specific group; I was a social butterfly. This summer I was either at work or with him. The sad part is that I know I had the opportunity to have similar experiences from last year [meeting new people/making new friends], but I choose to stick with what I felt like I need to catch up on instead.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade in the amazing adventures he and I had this summer, but I regret taking up an entire day just figuring out what to do when I could have been doing something more productive. And that's what I realize I need more of: time for myself. Time to regroup and understand what I want in life. Not just what I want in a boy, not just what I want FROM boys, but what I want for myself. I want to be happy in the future, so I guess to be able to reach that point I have to start sacrificing the things that are keeping me from that, right?

I hate to admit it, but I know it's true... he has held me back from things that I now understand I needed. I've been denying it for so long, and I guess part of it was so that he wouldn't feel bad about it. And in return, I was hurt every time he was going out with his friends -- doing the things I should have been doing too.

So what do I do now? Part of me knows that I should take a break, but the rest of me is scared. What if I don't find anyone else like him, but he'll find someone who makes him happier? What if I'm overreacting again, and I'm making a big deal out of nothing? What if this ends up being a decision I regret for the rest of my life? For the longest time, he WAS my life, but now I'm realizing that was wrong -- I need my own life, but I want him to be the biggest part of it. AH. I don't know how to think. I wish I could just go to someone for advice on this but no one understands me like he does. That's another thing that's frustrating -- he's not only my Mr.Complicated 'Boyfriend' ~ he's also my best friend.

This is what happens when you stop thinking with your heart and start listening to your head.
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