Tuesday, August 29, 2006

it's funny how love works.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I knew it was the right thing to do. It was the best for the both of us - we could both focus on our studies... I wouldn't be distracted, and he wouldn't have to worry about having another major committment and have to lose all his freetime with me.

But somehow, this doesn't feel any better. Maybe it's because it's only the first week of school and I don't really have much to keep myself from thinking about him. But somehow, I feel that this hurts more than if we had remained friends. I regret it so much -- telling him that it would hurt to not be in a relationship and just be friends, because we pretty much suck at being just friends. I miss him. I really, really miss him. Everywhere I go, I see or hear something that makes me think of him. I hear a song I sang to him once, or one that he sang to me. My friends make a joke that I think he would find hilarious. I see people that transferred to my school that are his friends too. I watch a preview for a movie that I want to watch with him. I went into the toy aisle of a store and found toys that I wanted to buy him!

I can't get him out of my mind! We ended the relationship because we wanted to focus on our studies and keep our minds in the right places, but it's not working. I'm still constantly thinking about how much I miss him and how much I wish I could just talk to him and smile with him. I haven't smiled much lately. And I haven't opened up to anyone either. He was my best friend. I feel so alone without him. I feel my heart literally breaking every time I think about him. I miss him so much. And I don't know what to do about it.

I can't just "keep myself busy" and be okay with it. This isn't right, and I know it. We deserve to be together, and the fact that we're both going through such a hard time [at least, I think he is] proves that breaking up wasn't what we were supposed to do.

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