Sunday, August 20, 2006

past. present. future.

Sunday, August 20, 2006
You can't get to your future if your past is in your present.

I never quite remembered how the quote went, so I paraphrased and made up my own. That's what I came up with. I think about that everytime we fight. It's run through my mind so often lately that I start to wonder if this fight is worth fighting. I'm trying so desperately hard to keep us together -- why? Because I have put more dedication and committment into us than I have in anyone or anything else. I hate to admit it, but I hardly ever finish what I start. I always say I'll change, but I don't. There has only been one case in which I persisted in what I believed in, in what I would put my life on the line for -- and that's being with him.

No relationship is easy; that's a given. But when is it all too much? How many teardrops have to fall before you have to come to realize that something is seriously wrong?

I want to be able to just make everything better. I've attempted, but failed so often already. I feel like I'm the only one making an attempt though -- but I can't bring myself to say that to him because I don't want to be asking for too much.

He's got me wrapped around his finger, for the most part. Sometimes I'm able to put my foot down and tell him what's on my mind, but the instant I hang up on him, or the instant he starts to break down, I stop. I reconsider. I apologize. I take back what I say to make him happy.

And I'm only realizing now what he's been trying to tell me. How can he love me if I can't even be someone who sticks to what she believes in? Even as I write this blog I'm fighting with myself. I believe in our relationship, I still have hope. But I'm exhausted from the battle. I need him to help me keep going. But I feel as if he has given up the fight, or at least has sit down to 'think' (even though at the given moment I'm in bed, praying he'll call me later, while he's off with friends bonding and having a good time).

Who am I kidding (other than myself)? I'm in denial -- I'm not in anything that's in the least bit healthy. I am not happy, and it's because of my own actions and decisions that I'm not happy.

So, what do I do now? He's my best friend, too. So AM I ready to lose a best friend too?

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