Mistakes

He cheated on her.. so they broke up. She has a new boyfriend now.. but they're still in love..

Does that work?? If they love each other, shouldn't they just be able to trust each other? I can understand why she wouldn't be able to right away.. but by being together, alone, I feel like it's only going to complicate their situation..

I know it's not my place to tell them what to do or what I think is best for them, but I just can't help but be confused and think late into the night about this one..

If she was ready to move on, she shouldn't have had feelings for him anymore.. but she clearly does.. and it's hurting and confusing her. I can tell how happy they make each other, but he made a mistake. He can't go and change the past.. What he did was wrong, but there's nothing he can do to convince her that he's trustworthy still. It's something she's just gotta be able to do on her own..

But she's not ready to do that yet, I don't think.. So why do they hang out still? Why are they still constantly flirting?

In an older blog, I wrote that there are three things that define love: faith, hope, and trust. I believe that if you start to lose any of those things in a relationship, the love is weakened.. But now I can't help but wonder:

If the other two are stronger - if there is so much faith and hope built into the relationship, is the amount of trust not as important? In other cases even, can you have so much of two of the aspects of love that it's okay to not have the perfect amounts?

happy birthday

My birthday is on Monday, March 26th. I will be turning 20 years old. And I'm growing up.

Yes, I am constantly growing, constantly changing, constantly learning.. but part of me realizes that this year will be big. I have learned to finally let go of my past.. I have finally understood, through hard experiences, what it's like to start over again.. I have come to appreciate life in a new sense..

The end of my teen years.. It's kind of scary. Some people may read that or hear me say it and scoff. "It's not like you're actually changing. It's just another birthday.. just another day"

But the truth is.. it's not. Every day is valuable.. Every moment is a gift.. 20 years [and 9 months] ago, I didn't exist. Looking back, so much has happened in my 20 years..

I moved from state to state.. lived in places that people only DREAM of ever visiting.. I've played in the Atlantic.. hiked in the Rockies.. casually strolled along Michigan.. watched the sun rise above the Pacific.. traveled with family, traveled with friends, traveled alone..

I was diagnosed with ITP, and I made a full recovery. I listened as my mom was given three months to live.. and I listened as the doctors told her she was cancer free two and a half years later.. I baked my mom a cake today.. for her 43rd birthday.. 10 years after she was told she was going to die.

I have been given a kiss and a hug from my dad every New Years.. I have fought with my parents.. I have laughed with my parents.. I have never stopped loving my parents..

I have hated my brother.. I have fought with my brother.. I have loved my brother.. I have appreciated my brother..

I experienced a first boyfriend, a first kiss, a first love, a first heartbreak.. a second, third, and fourth boyfriend.. a second love.. a second, more painful heartbreak.. a first regret.. a first rebound.. a first drunken party.. a first one-night stand.. and now I'm experiencing being truly happy with someone new for the first time since the drama..

I have been a Pre-Pharmacy student, a Health Science major, a Communications Arts major, a Writing and Publishing major, a Biology major, a Chemistry major. I am now a Public Relations / Marketing major.

I have gone to baby showers, weddings, funerals, birthday parties for my loved ones. I have taken hundreds of thousands of pictures..

And never in my life have I appreciated it all so fully until now.. I've learned a lot of lessons along the way, and I know that I have a lot more to learn.. I've made mistakes, regretted lots of things, but learned from everything..

For all of you who were given this special "link" to my heart.. I thank you for always being there for me.. for somehow making such a big impact on my life.. because those were the only people who I trusted enough with all of my thoughts.. all of my feelings.. the full exposure of my life..

I'm turning 20 years old.. I'm leaving for California with a long lost best friend.. And when I come back, life will never be the same..

Granted.. every day I could say the same thing.. with every new experience, I have taken another step towards my future..

And while it scares the hell out of me sometimes, I'm ready for the trip.

playing games

Some people believe that in order to "get a guy hooked", you need to play hard to get. It's the only way to make sure they don't think you're an easy catch.. to make sure you enjoy the game a little..

But I hate playing hard to get. Mainly because if I like a guy, he'll know anyway. If I don't tell him directly, he'll understand by my actions.. and I'm not ashamed of it. I'd rather have the honesty. In the same manner, I'd rather have a guy just be interested.. not play games with me to "test the waters".

I like a boy. Yes, I ACTUALLY like him.. I mean, I know that I'm not going to throw myself at him.. I know I can't scare him away.. learned that one back in high school [ha]. But I'm not going to play "keep away" to see if he's interested. I already got the vibe, thank you.

But now I'm a little worried. Is playing the game.. testing the waters.. is it all a pre-requisite to a successful relationship? Do you need to act uninterested to keep the object of affection interested? Will it be an instant "game over" if you make a move too suddenly?

apologies.

it just dawned on me why it all still seems so unsettled.. sorry just isn't enough. i know i shouldn't be asking for anything more.. but i feel like with all i went through, "i'm sorry" isn't enough.

i mean, i'm not saying he owes me his life. the apology is all he can give me. and that's why i now realize that i deserve better than that. he can't give me what i want. he can't make me happy anymore.. he DOESN'T make me happy anymore.. he's a changed person.. he's not the person i used to love.. but am i allowed to love something that isn't there anymore???

i gave him everything i was.. everything i had.. i waited on him hand and foot.. i spoiled him.. and for that i got nothing.. i was treated poorly and i got disrespected.. i ended up lying constantly just so i could see him.. i did whatever i had to do to prove that i loved him.. even when he admitted he didn't love me back..

yes, obviously i'm still stuck on him.. and it's THOROUGHLY unhealthy.. no matter how much i try to get over it, i guess i'm always going to have it in the back of my mind.. over analyzing it on a regular basis..

this is why i want a new relationships so badly.. i want to know that there is someone out there better than him.. someone who will love me.. someone who will constantly make me smile, rather than hurt me and make me cry..

when his apologies aren't even enough to settle this broken heart, it's time to realize that it's over. it's just not good enough for me anymore.

insomnia

"So I guess there's no easy way to move on from a relationship. You can't flip a switch and suddenly be over it. Because the road really is full of hidden potholes.

You can try staying in the relationship. You can stay home and dream of the perfect unobtainable one.

But in the end... it just takes time."

- Men in Trees

Give it time, and eventually all the wounds will heal.. and the ones that don't... the ones that "harden, scab up, and scar" are the ones that will always be with you. Life isn't about forgetting. You cannot simply forget the good times. You can forgive the bad times, but even those are not meant to be forgotten. At the same time, you cannot live in the past either. Just sit back, remember everything.. and smile.

Do not regret anything. What is the point in regretting? It's in the past and cannot be changed. All that is left is the present.

I've stressed so much lately about the past. I've cried for hours thinking about how I managed to screw up my last relationship.. how I lost "the One that got away".. how I ruined my future with stupid mistakes and choices.

But then I realized that if none of those things had happened, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be who I am today. So instead of wishing for things to happen and people to come back to me.. I'm going to make the most out of NOW. I reflect on all the events in the past few months.. I read my old posts.. I look back at all the pictures.. I'm definitely changing.. I'm definitely growing.

I want to continue growing up and maturing.. I want to cherish every moment I have.. I know this won't last that long.. because of course, life isn't perfect either. I will have an emotional breakdown again.. and again.. and again.. but that's something I know to just accept. The important thing is that I now know how to stand back up.. by myself. I don't need a guy to be there for me to tell me that everything will be okay.. I don't need someone to tell me I'm beautiful or that I'm going to make someone very happy someday. I don't need anyone to tell me anything that I don't already know.

I am amazing. I can stand on my own two feet, and I won't let anyone bring me down.

the pursuit of happyness

as I look back at all the pictures I have saved on my computer, I've come to understand that I am happiest when I'm surrounded by my friends. I know that this is pretty much a given in life, but the one thing I noticed is that the pictures that I look happiest are the sober pictures. Ever since I started partying and going out more often, I've come to adopt the bitter taste of vodka, rum, and my personal shot-of-choice, tequila.

While it loosens me up, however, I've also come to realize that it makes me obnoxious and annoying. I'm giving up the "drunken nights" for a while.. I don't want to forget any of the memories I'm creating with my friends..

That's not to say I'm going completely dry.. I'll still take a couple shots here and there.. but as far as waking up in the morning, realizing "what have I done?!".. well.. those memories won't be made for a very long time..

I'm cleaning up my act.. because it's time to grow out of this stage in my life.. I'm going to re-learn what makes me happy.. and who makes me happy..

For the first time in a while, I'm going to try to find someone who truly makes me happy.. someone who will treat me how I deserve to be treated.. with respect and kindness.. with love and adoration..

Yes, I understand it may take a while.. hell, it might take a LONG time.. but in the meantime, I'm done with the crazy college parties for a while.. at least until I can prove, if only for myself, that I'm better than that..

One ought to seek out virtue for its own sake, without being influenced by fear or hope, or by any external influence. Moreover, that in that does happiness consist.
- Diogenes Laertius, Zeno

true story.

me (10:49:32 PM): i hate him.
friend (10:49:55 PM): why is that?
me (10:49:54 PM): i will never stop loving him. and because of that.. i hate him
me (10:50:02 PM): i hate that no matter how hard i try to get over him, he's always there. me (10:50:19 PM): he's always going to be someone that i want back.. because of everything he ever meant to me
me (10:50:36 PM): he was terrible to me
me (10:51:04 PM): u know that? i bragged about him all the time.. but it was because i was stupid enough to think that everytime something went wrong, it was my fault
me (10:51:22 PM): he knew that.. and because he knew that i never blamed him, he never blamed himself either
me (10:51:38 PM): and now that he's realized all of this, he has a new girlfriend.. and he's 'making things right' with her
me (10:51:49 PM): she's getting exactly what he thinks i wanted in a boyfriend
me (10:52:00 PM): all the things he realized he did wrong to me, he's doing right with her me (10:52:09 PM): because relationships come in patterns
me (10:52:14 PM): but in the end, you just get hurt
me (10:52:27 PM): if you truly love the person, you're the one that gets hurt

primetime television

sometimes i wonder if anyone can see through me anymore... if anyone realizes that i still want to be loved. that i still want to have someone tell me they will always be there for me... someone to "catch me if i fall"...

that's not to say i can't do it on my own. because with all i've been through, i know i can. and i know that i will. but it's always comforting to know that people are behind you to love and support you.

maybe i AM thinking too much into it. maybe i'm just way too hormonal. maybe i'm watching too much drama-primetime television. but either way, i've suddenly realized how alone i am now. how temporary every close kinship has been... how temporary the feeling of exhilaration has felt...

but is it too much to ask for someone to love me? have i really turned into that much of an unapproachable hard-ass bitch? or am i just being stupid and blind?