Tuesday, December 12, 2006

the only thing constant

Tuesday, December 12, 2006
the only thing constant in my life is that i am constantly changing.

exactly a year ago, i reflected upon how much i loved 2005, and how much i was dreading 2006 to come along. i had experienced heavy drama at the end of 2005 that i knew would carry into 2006 to make it a difficult year for me. i cried a lot and fought with people i loved. i sacrificed things that shouldn't have been sacrificed, and i made some poor decisions. i lost friends, i made enemies, i had plenty of drama.

as the countdown "10-9-8-7-6..." was displayed on the tv screen at my uncle's house, i felt my heart sink. i could hear myself screaming on the inside "NO! I DON'T WANT IT! 2005 WAS MY YEAR! DON'T TAKE IT AWAY!"


and just like that, it was over. it was a new year, a new start. my aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, brother were celebrating all around me. but, after kissing my family as the tradition goes on new years, i walked into the bathroom and cried. i was scared.

for the first 17 days of 2006, i cried all but 2 days. the rest of the school year [[spring 2006]] turned out to be terrible. i did poorly in classes and i just didn't care about anything except my "relationship" with *him*. i even ended up being kicked out of the school. in the summer, i had to write a letter to a board of educators, explaining why i felt that i deserved a second chance. well i got my second chance. which meant that i never told my parents about being placed on academic probation.

because my parents thought that i did well that semester, i was able to see him more often. in fact, i saw him virtually every day of the summer. and i talked to him almost all of my free time. i loved it. i loved being able to do simple tasks, like taking random walks or just doing errands. but he was clearly not happy. he didn't want to just do "nothing" with me. and he thought we hung out too much. i was too focused on what i wanted to realize that he didn't want the same things.

so at the end of the summer, we ended not just our complicated "relationship", but our entire friendship as well. and that brings me to the fall semester of 2006.

since the beginning of the semester, i have attempted some sort of "special friendship" with exactly 19 guys. in the beginning of the semester, i was depressed and heartbroken. now i am content with my new lifestyle, and satisfied with the many friendships that have formed and developed in the past four months. yes, of course i get lonely at times, but what single girl doesn't from time to time? i don't mind it much. i have plenty of friends who help me get by.

this is my last semester at the university. for next semester, i have decided to work full time. this is for a number of reasons:

1) my grades have not improved.
2) tuition at the university is much too high
3) i'm changing majors, for the 4th time.
4) my family and i both run into financial dilemmas all too often. i want to help.
5) my life at the school is all too... "distracting" for an education. i am too involved with the "fun" activities on campus.

so with the end of yet another year, i realize that i've grown a lot and, as with every day of my life, i have changed. it is in my highest hopes that the changes i've gone through in the past 365 days will help me become who i am destined to become in the future. i look forward to the next few months working full time, without worrying about school. even for just a semester. i promise i will not quit school completely. i am much smarter than that. i just messed up a lot. and i need to re-group myself. but i want to start fresh in the fall, not immediately in the spring.
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