worries

I know that it's simple.. the things I like most are when we are together.. especially when we are alone..

but sometimes I'm reminded by all the things that bothered me in the past.. I'm reminded of things that you do that I don't appreciate.. and it totally just kills the moment for me.

Sometimes I feel used.. sometimes I feel neglected.. sometimes I feel like I'm acting desperate.. but I shouldn't be..

I keep giving and giving and when we're together it's like you're not really there with me lately.. you're texting others while you're with me [one of my biggest pet peeves, and i'm pretty sure you already know that].. you don't smile as much when you're with me anymore.. you don't compromise as much to the things that i want to do when we're together..

I miss the past. I miss what we had. What did I do that suddenly make you treat me like this..

deja vu

Being in love is just as painful as I always expected it to be. I wake up every morning andd my first thought is of him. In fact, as my dreams are also littered with him, I'm beginning to find it difficult to distinguish between the two states. They smudge together. I'll be driving into work and I'll see him in every car and on every street. The excitement of spotting him is tremendous. The disappointment that it never is him is side-splitting. I walk into the office building and always look around to see if he's in reception, which is a rediculous thought, considering how much he loathes the studio and all it stands for.



I send myself to sleep each night remembering the way his lips felt hanging on me and I wake up smiling. But only for the nanosecond it takes for my brain to explain to my heart that there will be no repeat performance. Ever. It seems that I know a million things about him because I am always considering, remembering, recollecting. Yet there is so much that I don't know. I'd like to be able to imagine every part of his day. I wonder what his flat is like and what car he drives. Then I remind myself that it is safer I don't know these things because the less I have to forget the better.



And really it is only a matter of time before he's annihilated from my mind. I comfort myself with the thought that in the beginning, everything is fascinating. The way they part their hair, the way they blow their nose, how they like their steak. Every manifestation seems enticing, but if I were still with him these things would have already become tedious. It would be impossible to keep noticing these things if they were constantly before me. The commonplace is not rare and beautiful. Interesting. Precious. Like all my memories. It's better that I have the luscious intensity intact rather than sullied through everyday wear.



- Adele Parks

what's going through my mind.

i know i said we could still be friends without you telling her. well i said it because it's easier being with you than NOT being with you.

but even so, it kills me. cuz i know you haven't told her.. i know she's probably still happy thinking that i'm some crazy psycho who THINKS something amazing happened this summer.. she doesn't know the truth.

at the same time, i know i should care less. that since you can't change your errors, i should just go out and find someone worth my time and effort. someone who doesn't have feelings for little kids. someone who wouldn't mind walking me to the door and making sure i got in before driving away. someone who doesn't mind spending $30 for dinner [* vs. $32470234 on metal parts *].

but then i go back and think that i'm only thinking that because it'll make you realize how much i was worth. and then i wonder if you would even care or miss me..

so i'm stuck. i don't know what to do anymore. i wish she knew. i wish she would disappear from your life. i wish you would just have more happy days like today.. today you held me so much.. you looked at me with that look.. and you smiled at me so often that i couldn't help but to put the pain away and smile back.. and the smiles i gave you were genuine.. nothing fake.. and it felt amazing.

but then i went right back into the pain, and it felt stronger than ever.. i've never felt like this before. i genuinely feel as if i'm going thru depression.. and it scares me. it scares me to think that this is because of YOU.. someone who used to make me feel so happy and special.. someone who used to make me feel as if there was no one else in the world who could make you feel *that way*.. someone who used to look into my eyes and, without saying a word, could tell me everything i wanted to hear..

what happened to all of that? what suddenly took it away from me?

her. i blame her. she ruined everything for me. if she had never ever been in your life, you would be mine. you would be with me and you would have never cheated on me. i wouldn't have had my heart broken. and i would have never felt this way.

it's because of a girl who's not even a high school GRADUATE yet.. a girl who's thousands of miles away, while i'm right HERE..

i honestly deserve someone better.. someone who DOESN'T think i would even compare to a thing like that.. that's virtually pedophilic and it's pretty disgusting [* much like her looks btw *] and it pisses me off. it really does.

rant. again.

"Hey I'm just letting you know so ur not worrying like crazy"

wow. since when are you concerned about how you make me feel? if i never told you how i felt, if i never told you when something bothered me, i don't think you'd ever notice, or even if you did, you probably wouldn't even bring it up.. you'd act as if everything is okay so that there's no drama in YOUR life..

if i never told you i missed you, would you even say that you miss me? if i never made plans to go out out with you, would you have made the plans with me? part of me wants to put my foot down and just stop caring altogether.. to just walk away and see if you'll still be around.. but i'm scared i already know the truth..

the instant you know that i have plans, you're already calling all your girl friends (and if none of them can do anything, you end up at your best friend's house til god knows when).. would you ever wait for me like i wait for you?

i'm starting to wonder just how much you care about me.. and i'm starting to realize you don't treat me like i should be treated either.. you said you would be better than the guy before you.. you said you would be my best friend..

the first 2 days after we had that long, late-night conversation were amazing.. you treated me better than you had ever treated me before.. you wouldn't stop holding me, you wouldn't stop wanting to be with me, you wouldn't stop making me smile.. and i DIDN'T and COULDN'T stop smiling.. i was THAT happy.. and then suddenly it was over.. it wasn't even back to the way things were.. it was worse.

no, you don't treat me like a best friend. you treat me like someone you have on the side. not true? well that's how you make me feel. and if it's not how you feel, PLEASE.. can you start showing me a different side? you don't realize how painful this is for me.. you don't realize how much it hurts to know you're off with someone else.. esp someone i don't trust or care for at all.. all night til early morning or even into the afternoon.. or all day..

i'm tired of feeling neglected and desperate. i want to go back to being cared about.. to being missed.. to being happy..