what's going through my mind.

i know i said we could still be friends without you telling her. well i said it because it's easier being with you than NOT being with you.

but even so, it kills me. cuz i know you haven't told her.. i know she's probably still happy thinking that i'm some crazy psycho who THINKS something amazing happened this summer.. she doesn't know the truth.

at the same time, i know i should care less. that since you can't change your errors, i should just go out and find someone worth my time and effort. someone who doesn't have feelings for little kids. someone who wouldn't mind walking me to the door and making sure i got in before driving away. someone who doesn't mind spending $30 for dinner [* vs. $32470234 on metal parts *].

but then i go back and think that i'm only thinking that because it'll make you realize how much i was worth. and then i wonder if you would even care or miss me..

so i'm stuck. i don't know what to do anymore. i wish she knew. i wish she would disappear from your life. i wish you would just have more happy days like today.. today you held me so much.. you looked at me with that look.. and you smiled at me so often that i couldn't help but to put the pain away and smile back.. and the smiles i gave you were genuine.. nothing fake.. and it felt amazing.

but then i went right back into the pain, and it felt stronger than ever.. i've never felt like this before. i genuinely feel as if i'm going thru depression.. and it scares me. it scares me to think that this is because of YOU.. someone who used to make me feel so happy and special.. someone who used to make me feel as if there was no one else in the world who could make you feel *that way*.. someone who used to look into my eyes and, without saying a word, could tell me everything i wanted to hear..

what happened to all of that? what suddenly took it away from me?

her. i blame her. she ruined everything for me. if she had never ever been in your life, you would be mine. you would be with me and you would have never cheated on me. i wouldn't have had my heart broken. and i would have never felt this way.

it's because of a girl who's not even a high school GRADUATE yet.. a girl who's thousands of miles away, while i'm right HERE..

i honestly deserve someone better.. someone who DOESN'T think i would even compare to a thing like that.. that's virtually pedophilic and it's pretty disgusting [* much like her looks btw *] and it pisses me off. it really does.