Saturday, January 27, 2007

game over

Saturday, January 27, 2007
"Just take it from me, it's easier to enjoy the moment and not expect anything more because really there isn't anything more. [...] Whilst I collected compliments and Cartier, tenaciously avoiding commitment or Kleenex, my friends who hoped for the Happily Ever After were discovering that the road to fairyland was long and winding. And often heartbreaking."
-Game Over, Adele Parks
I'm starting to think that being a hopeless romantic is being completely unrealistic. I've planned out my future thoroughly - the number of kids I will have, the house I plan to live in, the type of husband I will have, the names of my future pets, my life as a housewife with a comfortable part-time job... everything.
And yet, I know that I probably won't ever reach that point. I am constantly changing, as I have stated so many times in the past. The ONLY time I ever put my whole heart into something, the only time I committed to something and stuck with it, it ran away from me. It left me heartbroken and alone.
So the most important outcome of such a disaster is to learn something from the experience. I've convinced myself until lately that I will find love again... and maybe someday I will end up with him again. But I have to stop living in the past. I have to stop dreaming. Instead of hoping for that Happily Ever After, I now have a feeling life will be much more simple and, well, live-able, to just enjoy now. No more hoping for a relationship, no more hoping for the perfect man to show up. I'm going to just enjoy being single, being who I am, whether it is a big turn-off to guys or not, and just take it one day at a time.
I've lived a fairy tale life and it was amazing. I woke up and hated the "real world". I've come to realize now that the "real world" is all I've got. No more dreaming of that fairy world. What matters most now is what I have today. If the future ends up like a fairy tale, then I'll be completely grateful, but if it doesn't, then I'll still love what I have.
Now. Let's see how long this positive thinking lasts.

Friday, January 12, 2007

things left unsaid.

Friday, January 12, 2007

some things are better left unsaid. at the same time, the unspoken words between two people can define a relationship stronger than what others may hear.

i've never been one to keep my mouth shut. and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. i wish that i would be able to hold things back, like the girl in this comic strip. it's funny because it's true - a lot of people are like that. but i'm not. i say everything that's on my mind, to everyone that's willing to listen [*sometimes it's even to people who don't want to hear what i have to say*]

Thursday, January 11, 2007

the first time

Thursday, January 11, 2007
Charlotte: Oh God, seeing someone for the first time [after you break up] is the worst. You never know how to act.
Carrie: Yeah, and then there's the vomit.

so i saw *him* the other night. i was on a "date" - we were really just going as friends, but *he* didn't know that. my date and i walked into the theater to see the pursuit of happyness, and there he was. play-fighting with a girl i remembered as one of his closest friends, after me. we saw each other right away. and we both froze. i wanted to run, but i didn't know which way i wanted to go.

i looked at my "date" and he asked if that was him. i said yes, and we walked towards them.

i walked past the girl and he stood up to greet me. we hugged for what seemed like a long time, but in reality was probably 15 seconds. it felt good to feel his embrace and hear his voice. i knew i was in trouble by that point. and it was probably a mistake, but we sat next to them. it didn't help that my date and he were good friends back in high school.

during the whole movie, we were talking. it was all in good fun, and we caught up with each other's lives for a little bit. there is still plenty to share, but the movie wasn't that long.

also during the movie, i caught his eye, and i just looked at him. it really felt as if we picked up where we had left off...

it's funny. i fell for him all over again. i missed him more than i have ever missed him before... and he's gone again. it's as if he never saw me... as if he never even thought about me. but i swear, i saw it in his eyes -- there's still something there.

i know i'm getting my hopes up again. but i know i still love him. i haven't tried "going for new guys" at all lately because i realize i'm hung up on him. since the first of the year, i've been thinking about him. i want to know how he's doing... how his life is going... but i can't.

i'm back to square one - wanting nothing else but him back when he's happy without me.

if i compared my life to sex and the city - he is my mr. big. hands down. he is the guy i want to be with in the end. and at the same time, he is the one who ruins any chances of me being happy with anyone else.

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