Wednesday, December 26, 2007

more baby talk.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007
ugh. came across a message on a radio station message board today:

I was actually surprised on how many girls actually keep their babies at such a young age. I've had this discussion with my boyfriend. If I ended up pregnant, there would be absolutly no way I would keep it. (And he supports me 100%.) Like the other callers, I wouldn't even go through 9 months just to give it up for adoption. I would definatly want an abortion. It's not that I don't want kids. It's just that even at almost 21, I know I'm too young to be havin' babies, and I don't want to ruin the rest of my life with a kid. I know that sounds bad, but I just wouldn't do that to myelf, my boyfriend, or our families. If I ended up pregnant and wanted an abortion, I wouldn't even tell my family (they would freak!) I think you need to talk about this topic for a longer time because there's just so many different topics and concerns that spin off from it. I mean, you didn't even go into talking about the plan B pill. I had to take it one time just to be safe. And in a way, that's sort of an abortion in itself, which is also an option for young kids who have had unprotected sex. But I just wanted to leave a little comment to get my thoughts out there. It was a great show! :-)


Sunday, December 23, 2007

one month

Sunday, December 23, 2007
23 seems to be a pretty amazing number.
a month ago he realized he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
and today he realized he loved me.

he worries that i'm going to realize i made a mistake.. or that he's going to get hurt badly..

but i have no doubt in my mind whatsoever.. this is for real.

i love him too..

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

deep dark secret?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Story #1
I've known her since my freshman year of high school. She was the girl who threatened to beat up all the other girls. The girl who guys were intimidated by. The girl who got kicked out because she never went to class. She was "that girl". I come across her occasionally because people in her family are regulars at my work. She remembers me. In fact, last week, she was all smiles (a side of her I had never previously seen). She walked up to the counter where I was standing and said, "Guess what! I'm having a boy!"

Story #2
At 17 years old, you're not even an adult. You think you own the world, but you really hardly know anything about it. My ex-boyfriend's younger sister is 17. At the beginning of this month, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. And named him Aiden.

Story #3
A quiet couple in high school, I knew these two from the beginning of their relationship. They were like any other couple, holding hands, arguing about little things, etc. We all graduated high school 3 years ago, and went our separate ways. I encountered the two online (myspace connections of course), and I discovered that they now have the most adorable 2-year-old and are now (happily?) married.

Even though I know I am hardly at a mature enough stage in my life to start settling down and having kids, I can't help but wish I had what all these people have. I have such a passion for kids, and I can't wait to have my own. I see that they, even in their premature stages of adulthood, are able to somehow make it work.

I'm in a relationship that is developing steadily, and I am truly happy. I'm not trying to suggest that I want to rush anything, or suddenly "forget" to take my pill or anything.. Like I said, I know I'm not ready for that stage of my life yet.

Every time I hear about girls my age becoming pregnant or already having 1- or 2-year old sons and daughters, I verbally express their foolish ways. In reality, however, I'm being a hypocrite. I know what to say, I know how to act and respond, but deep down, I'm jealous. I can't help but think, "It's not fair!"

I want one. =(

Monday, December 17, 2007


Monday, December 17, 2007
I'm scared of relapsing into bad habits. I'm scared of someday getting paranoid and jealous again.. of someday getting too committed, too clingy again.. of someday getting hurt again..

I know I'm past the infatuation stage because I already know it's not perfect. I already know I have a problem, but I don't want to talk about it with him yet because I want to try to make it not bother me so much first.. because I don't want to make a big deal out of it.. but I know that when I do, it will be a big deal.

It's the ex-factor. It's starting to hurt me. And I don't know why. But I'm starting to feel a bit annoyed, a bit stressed, a bit disappointed.

Blah. Relapse.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

de ja vu. or maybe not.

Thursday, December 13, 2007
It's almost time to count down the end of the year again. As I look back on my blogs, especially the one around this time of year, I realize how much I've grown and changed. I realize how much I've gone through, whether they were big or little ordeals, amazing or insignificant stepstones, entertaining or disturbing moments..

Every year, I start to get sad around this time, thinking of all the good moments of the year, and wishing it didn't have to end.. but this time around, I'm looking forward to the future.


Because I finally feel like I'm growing up and getting away from who I used to be. I've actually become a hypocrite if you think about it. In my entry on 12/10 I briefly explain all of this.

I'm happier, less stressed, more enthusiastic about life in general. Sure, it might just be because I'm in the stages of infatuation, but I know I'm becoming more mature about relationships now. Actually, as I step back and look at my past relationships objectively now, I realize how lucky I was to have the guys I had. I wasn't a good person back then. I really don't think I was. To be honest, I know I was crazy. I was so emotional back then, and I'm aware that the last emotional breakdown I had was less than 3 months ago.

But.. as every girl says with every new relationship, "it's different now."

So I'm saying, "Good bye" to 2007 with a smile on my face, and embracing the new adventures, battles, joys, and tears of 2008, with much, much stronger arms.

I haven't created any New Years Resolutions for myself in a long time. This year, I've got a couple, and I DO intend to stick with them.

1. Stay more organized. This includes, but is not limited to, making sure important dates are remembered, my room is cleaned and personal belongings are neatly stored away.

2. Stay focused. This includes, but is not limited to, doing well in school, working to the best of my ability, and make time for all the other responsibilities I have. Although I say this to myself all the time, constantly reminding myself to be good, I always digress, I always falter. With 2008, I want to be more disciplined.

3. Be a better girlfriend. Specifically, I want to make sure I remain an independent person. I am PRAYING that I don't relapse into who I used to be.. that I don't turn out clingy again, or abusive, or psychotic, or emotional. I went through nasty stages back then, and I truly feel that I've learned from my mistakes and I'm building up a better me from my past, but I can't help but worry.

With the end of 2007, I've changed. Physically speaking, I've lost a total of 15 lbs, 5 inches, and toned my body incredibly. This leads to a greater level of self-esteem, which is something I needed immensely. The hard work I put in to losing so much weight makes me realize that with enough dedication and commitment, I can do great things.

Granted, I went through an eating disorder to achieve it.. I'm working at sticking to my diet and workout routine in a healthier manner.

Indirectly, he's helped me a lot. He makes me feel beautiful each and every day. He makes me feel special and valuable. Similar to how my physical fitness helped boost my self esteem, this new relationship has also helped me take the first steps in becoming a better person..

And I truly WANT to be a better person, especially for him. I know, I know.. I should be doing it for myself. Don't get me wrong - first and foremost, I am doing this for my own well-being. But I owe a lot to him. For everything. For simply being amazing.

So GOODBYE to the drama. the pain. the tears. the psychotic episodes. HELLO to the simplicity. the pleasures. the laughs. the happiness.

Whatever 2008 has for me, I'm ready and willing to take it on.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Bright Eyes

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

"First Day Of My Life"

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Monday, December 10, 2007

No Greater Love

Monday, December 10, 2007

Love is a strong word. I know I'm not there yet, but I can't help but feeling so completely *comfortable* with him.. It's funny though. I'm one of those people who roll my eyes at couples, wondering if they realize they're just being foolish.

But I can't help but be hypocritical. I guess the reason I've been so degrading towards relationships is because of bad experiences. I've never had someone treat me this way, make me smile this way, or convince me that I'm beautiful.

This time around.. It's different.

Friday, December 07, 2007

an impromptu trip to the used book store.

Friday, December 07, 2007
After a study group session at Panera today, I decided to ditch any and all outings, parties, and get togethers possible and head to the used book store.

Without even thinking I had spent 10 minutes searching titles, I had spent well over an hour getting lost in the the miscellaneous stories. Eventually, I minimized my selection to 6 new novels:

The Dirty Girls Social Club - Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez
beauty - anthology by John Miller
The Ex-Factor - Andrea Semple
Night Journey - Murad Kalam
Monkey Business - Sarah Mylnowski
Dope - Sara Gran

Needless to say, I'm glad Winter Break is just 2 more classes away. I'm pretty excited to start and finish each and every one of these books! =)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium

Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Your life is an occassion. Rise to it.
apparently i'm cute. i think i'm dumb. =P

So. I got to wondering if this is going to last. Because honestly, I want it to. a lot. I'm getting way ahead of myself, and I know I am.. but I can't help but realize that I got something amazing.. I have someone who I've needed and wanted..

But I've been this girl that he's had a crush on for almost 3 years now.. What if he eventually stops crushing and starts realizing he's with someone who's boring? Or someone completely NOT "dreamy" or amazing.. Or not something he wants anymore..

I'm actually starting to worry about when the initial fire starts to die.. and it's still so early?!

Ugh. I blame bad past experiences. I suck. Definitely not "cute".. Definitely dumb.


txt msg from 12/04/07 1:08pm

came to the conclusion that im happy because of you and i will do whatever it takes to make this relationship last. i want US to last. i wanna be happy. i want YOU to be happy EVERYDAY i wake i tell myself that im lucky to have u EVERYDAY i do that im happy i really am i will never forget this part of my life and i thank you for that =)


Sunday, December 02, 2007

Under the Tuscan Sun

Sunday, December 02, 2007
"Terrible ideas are like playground scapegoats. Given the right encouragement, they grow up to be geniuses."

will respond soon. after i enjoy my day =)
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