Thursday, December 13, 2007

de ja vu. or maybe not.

Thursday, December 13, 2007
It's almost time to count down the end of the year again. As I look back on my blogs, especially the one around this time of year, I realize how much I've grown and changed. I realize how much I've gone through, whether they were big or little ordeals, amazing or insignificant stepstones, entertaining or disturbing moments..

Every year, I start to get sad around this time, thinking of all the good moments of the year, and wishing it didn't have to end.. but this time around, I'm looking forward to the future.


Because I finally feel like I'm growing up and getting away from who I used to be. I've actually become a hypocrite if you think about it. In my entry on 12/10 I briefly explain all of this.

I'm happier, less stressed, more enthusiastic about life in general. Sure, it might just be because I'm in the stages of infatuation, but I know I'm becoming more mature about relationships now. Actually, as I step back and look at my past relationships objectively now, I realize how lucky I was to have the guys I had. I wasn't a good person back then. I really don't think I was. To be honest, I know I was crazy. I was so emotional back then, and I'm aware that the last emotional breakdown I had was less than 3 months ago.

But.. as every girl says with every new relationship, "it's different now."

So I'm saying, "Good bye" to 2007 with a smile on my face, and embracing the new adventures, battles, joys, and tears of 2008, with much, much stronger arms.

I haven't created any New Years Resolutions for myself in a long time. This year, I've got a couple, and I DO intend to stick with them.

1. Stay more organized. This includes, but is not limited to, making sure important dates are remembered, my room is cleaned and personal belongings are neatly stored away.

2. Stay focused. This includes, but is not limited to, doing well in school, working to the best of my ability, and make time for all the other responsibilities I have. Although I say this to myself all the time, constantly reminding myself to be good, I always digress, I always falter. With 2008, I want to be more disciplined.

3. Be a better girlfriend. Specifically, I want to make sure I remain an independent person. I am PRAYING that I don't relapse into who I used to be.. that I don't turn out clingy again, or abusive, or psychotic, or emotional. I went through nasty stages back then, and I truly feel that I've learned from my mistakes and I'm building up a better me from my past, but I can't help but worry.

With the end of 2007, I've changed. Physically speaking, I've lost a total of 15 lbs, 5 inches, and toned my body incredibly. This leads to a greater level of self-esteem, which is something I needed immensely. The hard work I put in to losing so much weight makes me realize that with enough dedication and commitment, I can do great things.

Granted, I went through an eating disorder to achieve it.. I'm working at sticking to my diet and workout routine in a healthier manner.

Indirectly, he's helped me a lot. He makes me feel beautiful each and every day. He makes me feel special and valuable. Similar to how my physical fitness helped boost my self esteem, this new relationship has also helped me take the first steps in becoming a better person..

And I truly WANT to be a better person, especially for him. I know, I know.. I should be doing it for myself. Don't get me wrong - first and foremost, I am doing this for my own well-being. But I owe a lot to him. For everything. For simply being amazing.

So GOODBYE to the drama. the pain. the tears. the psychotic episodes. HELLO to the simplicity. the pleasures. the laughs. the happiness.

Whatever 2008 has for me, I'm ready and willing to take it on.


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