Monday, July 31, 2006

short and sweet

Monday, July 31, 2006
today was rather interesting. but i love him. :) no matter how much we fight, i love him.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Reflections on Sex and the City

Friday, July 28, 2006
Carrie met Big, and it was a casual flirting friendship. Then it became a "wonderful" relationship. Then it became an ugly relationship. Then they broke up. They saw other people. Big got married, then he got divorced. Carrie found a perfect boyfriend, but then they broke up.
Throughout all the "I love you's" that Carrie said throughout the course of the series, there were always some relationships that just simply ended. But she was able to move on. In the end, she was with Big. It was the 'happily ever after' moment that every girl will dream about.

Including me.

But as I fantasize over how obtainable that dream really is, I begin to wonder if Big & Carrie would have been able to love each other as much as they did in the end if they hadn't gone their separate ways. Some of my friends absolutely hate big because he ruined Carrie's life over and over again. but I don't always see it that way -- Carrie messed up too. When she had an affair with big when she was with Aidan, it was her fault too. She showed that she wasn't right for Aidan (no matter how perfect he was for her). She showed that there were still some remaining feelings left from her broken heart.

So now I begin to wonder: should I be trying to go my own separate path right now? Should I just let fate handle the relationship I currently have and just keep praying that he really is the one? That stupid line, "If you love something, set it free; if it comes back keep it and love it forever"... I don't know, I guess it's because of my cousin that I'm starting to see things in another light.

"I don't believe in letting it go or letting it work itself out in thefuture not now if it's something you know you want. Carpe diem. Seize theday. Find your demons, confront them, discover yourself and live for themoment. There is no point in time than when you'll feel more alive than NOW."

Maybe it's time to let go. Maybe I need to take action against my "demons" and just confront him about it. But I've tried that, and it hasn't been working. There is no compromise that is willing to be made -- I feel like I'm the only one who is willing to do anything to make it a happy ending again. I don't know if it's me being selfish but I'm not happy anymore and it's because I'm not getting things that I not only want, but need in a relationship... Ok, yes, we're not an official couple, but there is some sort of special connection between us.

So what is it that I want? I want someone who appreciates me, and lets me feel appreciated. I want someone who makes me feel needed -- as if he couldn't live without me; that I've made his world brighter or more special somehow. I hate feeling guilty about my own personal feelings. I hate thinking that because of my opinions and perspectives, I've created an "ugly" persona of myself. And to be honest, I don't think I would feel this way if we would just stop arguing so much. I don't want to complain because it would be unfair to him if I were to do it online, in a blog, when he wouldn't be able to defend himself properly.

I still love him, and I will continue to love him forever, but maybe now is a time to obtain a greater meaning to the word love... Maybe I should learn to give way to something less, demanding I guess he would say, away from the stress that has caused us both sleepless nights and frustrated moments.

.:sigh:. I'm still not sure what I'm doing. I wish I had help, but it seems as if I keep trusting the wrong people.

Monday, July 24, 2006

3 words = 3 words

Monday, July 24, 2006
faith. hope. trust.

that's what it means when you say "i love you"... it's the unwritten contract that comes with the words: you have faith in each other. you will always hope for the best. and above all, you must trust each other.

often times it will be hard, but in the end, when one is weak, the other is strong. when that fails, then there is no love and it is up to you to decide what to do -- move on to a better life or just hang on for a little longer.

but what happens when we both start losing one of the three words?

sometimes it's love.

So what's it mean to love someone?

I love him, but when someone asks me why, I'm usually content on saying that I just do. I mean, sometimes I say something like "he makes me so happy" or "we've been through so much and I just have that special feeling"... but in the back of my mind, I just want to define exactly why it is I love him... I still have yet to figure it out.

Does that mean I'm losing the "magic" of just simply being in love? Maybe. And that's what makes me cry sometimes -- losing the "magic" makes me think we're losing the essential part of the 'relationship' that will, in the long run, keep us together.

So, why do I love him? Well first of all, the obvious reasons are still valid reasons: we HAVE been through so much, and yet we're still together -- there's obviously something special there, and I do believe it's love (not just stubbornness). I guess that's the main part of it. And then there's a little of that magic that's still there -- when all I can think of is how much I hate him, he still has the power to erase all that emotion and replace it with utter joy that he's still around.
I love him because I can't imagine life without him. Yes, there are times when I wonder about the people I watch on TV that go through boyfriends in a matter of nights or weeks. My shortest relationship was a little over three months and I just wish that I had the mindset to think that life goes on and I can forget about all my exes once and for all.

And I guess I sort of HAVE come to that... except with him. We broke up once and up until the moment we started talking again (about 4 months later) all I could think about was how I knew we were supposed to be together and how wrong it felt to not say, "Good night" to each other every night and tell each other about how our days went...

We don't have very many friends that are mutual, and those that are aren't in relationships. It's difficult to go out with friends because he doesn't want to be all over each other and act like a couple, when in the back of my mind, it's one of the things I love to do -- show the rest of my friends that I am happy again, that he and I are just perfectly in love with each other. It hurts when I try to no avail.

I don't really know where I'm going with this blog. I just know that there is a lot going through my mind right now and I thought writing was going to help. But it really hasn't.

Time to just lay down.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Quick Introductions

Friday, July 21, 2006
Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

So I've had a blogspot for a while now, but I haven't really thought of how to use it until now...

To start, I'll give a quick little introduction to myself:

I am a young, hopeless romantic currently being bombarded with thoughts about the future that I have yet to live, the present that I have yet to survive, and the past that I have yet to forget...

I love to write, and I guess you could say my role model is [shamelessly] Sarah Jessica Parker's character, Carrie Bradshaw, on Sex and the City. I guess it's because I'm a Writing & Publishing major, and she's probably one of the most famous journalists known to the college-girl's world...
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