Friday, August 24, 2007

difficult decisions

Friday, August 24, 2007
sometimes, you listen to your heart.. and you never regret a single decision..

but it's hard when you want to think and believe one way, but the world is against you.. no one is on your side and everyone makes you think you are wrong..

i want to believe that i am doing the right thing.. i want to believe that i am finally making a choice all by myself, and that i won't regret this later on..

but i'm starting to regret it already.. i'm already starting to believe that others are right -- that i AM going to get hurt again.. i'm already starting to feel it..

but i still want to believe that i can make it work.. that we can make it work.. but somehow i feel as if i'm the only one willing to work..

when it rains it pours.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

venting out the pain

Sunday, August 12, 2007
i never cheated on you.. what hurt you about ME was that i had a past, and i did things that i should be ashamed of.. but by the time i had met you, i had changed all of that.. i was GOOD to you.. yeah, i'm a bit of a drama queen sometimes, but i'm only human.. i lose my temper sometimes.. but i took care of you, i sacrificed a lot of things to be with you, i would put my life on hold just for you.. but instead of giving that back to me, you betrayed me.. you lied and cheated.. and you did it more than once.. and for some reason, you were able to bring yourself to hope that i could forgive you..

and what you did to me really should be unforgivable.. i really shouldn't be talking to you anymore.. but i am giving you a second chance because i hope you will be able to fix this. i've learned the hard way not to run away from pain and heartbreak.. i've learned to have more faith in others.. i forgive you but i will never forget.. i will always be wondering if you've said the same thing to her.. if you've made her laugh with the same jokes.. if you've made her mad with the same drama.. if you've kissed her the same way you kiss me.. if you hold her the same way you hold me.. as hard as i try, i can't erase it from my mind.. and i dont know.. maybe that's a good thing..

one thing i have learned from you is to not always have my guard down.. that i can truly hurt myself if i do.. you got lucky - you finally let your guard down, and the person who you did it with treated you with gentleness.. i mean yes i was bitter and sarcastic at times, but you got it easy. when i have my guard down, people walk all over me.

i know you're taking it in slow steps, but there is one step i cannot wait for you to take. it is simply wrong for you to have two. you have to choose, and you have to choose now. if you cannot make the choice, i will make it for you. simple as that.

Friday, August 03, 2007


Friday, August 03, 2007
[* WARNING: i'm pretty moody right now. i'll probably regret half of what i say in this blog *]

i hate feeling so disposable.. so temporary.. i miss being needed. i miss being valuable.

i hate feeling as if i'm annoying or pesky.. i miss feeling as if i'm friendly or generous.

i hate feeling like a secret. i miss feeling like a prize.

i hate having to plan everything. i miss surprises.

i hate having to work such a budget. i miss gifts.

wasn't it only a year ago that i decided i wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't admit that we were in a relationship? wasn't it only a year ago that i decided i wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who changed me? wasn't it only a year ago that i decided i could stand on my own two feet?

why is it that suddenly i feel like i need someone to make me happy? why is it that suddenly i feel like i should expect so much out of a person? why is it that suddenly i feel like i should play games in hopes that i will be happy in the end?

well.. i guess you could call them games. but i mean, i'm being honest and being truly concerned and caring, but in the back of my mind i sometimes wish.. when i am upset, i say things that might upset the other person.. so what do i do? dissolve all my anger and focus on keeping the other person happy. i instantly ask 'what's wrong' or 'are you okay?' and if i know the answer is negative but the person says otherwise, i convince them that everything IS okay.. and if not, then i can fix things.. but in the back of my mind, i wish someone would ask me if i'm okay.. without me having to make it obvious. i wish someone would tell me that they will do whatever it takes to keep me happy..

whenever i feel that a celebration is needed, i go out of my way to make it a fun celebration.. i buy food, i bake / cook / prepare things, i plan (not so) random outings + activities.. in the end i realize i'm not as spontaneous as i used to be.. i miss having someone surprise me with a "i'm taking you somewhere. i have the whole day planned.. just relax and let me do the work"..

but of course i'm just dreaming. i'm too difficult of a person to plan things for.. i'm too stressed of a person to enjoy something like that with.. so i solve the problem in advance and just plan everything myself.. if i just got a promotion or accomplished something, i plan my own parties. i plan my own celebrations.. but sometimes i dream.. :sigh: iono.. sometimes i just hope that someday it'll happen...
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