feelings

[* WARNING: i'm pretty moody right now. i'll probably regret half of what i say in this blog *]

i hate feeling so disposable.. so temporary.. i miss being needed. i miss being valuable.

i hate feeling as if i'm annoying or pesky.. i miss feeling as if i'm friendly or generous.

i hate feeling like a secret. i miss feeling like a prize.

i hate having to plan everything. i miss surprises.

i hate having to work such a budget. i miss gifts.

wasn't it only a year ago that i decided i wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't admit that we were in a relationship? wasn't it only a year ago that i decided i wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who changed me? wasn't it only a year ago that i decided i could stand on my own two feet?

why is it that suddenly i feel like i need someone to make me happy? why is it that suddenly i feel like i should expect so much out of a person? why is it that suddenly i feel like i should play games in hopes that i will be happy in the end?

well.. i guess you could call them games. but i mean, i'm being honest and being truly concerned and caring, but in the back of my mind i sometimes wish.. when i am upset, i say things that might upset the other person.. so what do i do? dissolve all my anger and focus on keeping the other person happy. i instantly ask 'what's wrong' or 'are you okay?' and if i know the answer is negative but the person says otherwise, i convince them that everything IS okay.. and if not, then i can fix things.. but in the back of my mind, i wish someone would ask me if i'm okay.. without me having to make it obvious. i wish someone would tell me that they will do whatever it takes to keep me happy..

whenever i feel that a celebration is needed, i go out of my way to make it a fun celebration.. i buy food, i bake / cook / prepare things, i plan (not so) random outings + activities.. in the end i realize i'm not as spontaneous as i used to be.. i miss having someone surprise me with a "i'm taking you somewhere. i have the whole day planned.. just relax and let me do the work"..

but of course i'm just dreaming. i'm too difficult of a person to plan things for.. i'm too stressed of a person to enjoy something like that with.. so i solve the problem in advance and just plan everything myself.. if i just got a promotion or accomplished something, i plan my own parties. i plan my own celebrations.. but sometimes i dream.. :sigh: iono.. sometimes i just hope that someday it'll happen...