Tuesday, June 30, 2009

quick rant.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I'm heartbroken. I miss you.. I miss how we used to be... I miss how you used to appreciate me more.. I miss being spoiled (not with materialistic things... with love).. I miss being wanted.. I miss being confident.. I miss the butterflies.. I miss how you used to RESPECT me...

Things have changed. In a sense, you stopped treating me like a girlfriend and you've started looking at me as your wife, and it's not always the prettiest picture to imagine. You expect things from me, yet when I expect things from you, I get whining.. I get procrastination.. I get a "maybe" or even a "no".

I can't bring it up to you because I know I will cry... and when I get emotional, I won't be taken seriously... and you might leave me.

And I can't handle that either. So I don't know what to do.

I'm in so much pain.

Monday, June 22, 2009

She was a lovely girl.

Monday, June 22, 2009
"Joe had never thought he was going to get married. Had been quite happy living the quintessential bachelor lifestyle, but by his early thirties he'd started to think it might be quite nice to have some permanence, someone to come home to, to look after him.

The problem was that the girls he went out with were about as far away from wife material as you could possibly get. Yes, they looked great. Tall stunning blondes, the occasional brunette or redhead, they were all polished to perfection, but were so cold, so brittle, Joe sometimes thought that if he bent them the wrong way they might snap.

They were women who were waiting for a rich husband to provide them with a lifestyle their beauty had led to believe they could expect. They had no careers, avoided the news as if they could catch something nasty from it, couldn't cook, didn't clean, had never ironed a thing in their lives ("Darling, if God had meant us to iron, he wouldn't have invented dry cleaners"), and had a deep-rooted fear of marrying a man who couldn't afford a "woman that does"

They expected certain things of Joe - dinners at the Ivy and Hakkasan, nights out at Atticus and Home House, the odd treat from Harvey Nicks - and in return they gave him unlimited performance sex, little pressure (these girls knew that the best way to hook their fish was to let the line run as long as possible), and the guaranteed envy of every man he knew. It was only once they started expecting commitment that Joe would turn around and tell them in the nicest way possible that they'd had a wonderful time together, but that it wasn't meant to be, and on he would go to his next conquest.

He knew he wasn't going to find the woman he would marry in the treandy bars, restaurants and clubs he frequented, but there was something about glossy, streaky blond hair, a leg clad in Wolford stockings, breasts pushed up in a La Perla that he couldn't resist.

And then he met Alice. Alice who turned scarlet when he said her name, who rememebered him from school, even when he had no recollection of ever meeting her. Alice who had loose mousy curls and didn't wear a scrap of makeup. Who wore cheap black leggings and baggy shapeless sweaters to discuise her curves. he wouldn't normally have looked twice at a girl like Alice, but he was amused by the way she blushed every time he looked at her, and there was something very sweet about her and sweetness was not a character trait he was used to in women.

She was sweet, and she was grateful, which in turn made Joe feel generous and kind, rather like a benefactor. She didn't expect anything of him other than his company, and when he gave her what she wanted she seemed in a state of permanent disbelief that he would be with a girl like her.

Plus, he realized very quickly that Alice had a huge amount of potential. She was a lovely girl, she could cook fantastically, [and] she'd look after him."

-To Have and to Hold ; Jane Green
(en·tro·py) © 2008. Design by Pocket