Fears

My biggest fear has always been being alone. I'm scared of the dark, I'm scared of heights, I'm scare of a LOT of things, but the one fear that I've always had is dying alone, without anyone by my side.

But I realize more and more every day that I shouldn't be this way. I don't NEED someone to tell me I'm going to be okay in order for me to be okay.. I don't NEED someone to tell me I'm beautiful in order for me to feel beautiful.. I don't NEED someone to tell me that I'm right. Well, that's because I KNOW I'm right [haha just kidding. sometimes.]

I believe the most attractive aspect of a woman is independence. And that's what I strive for.. to be capable of taking care of myself. In the past, I have been THE most clingy, dependent, and needy girlfriend / friend / human being alive. I'm slowly changing my ways because it's just such a turn-off to see a girl who needs a man to be happy.

I'm happy. I truly am. I mean, there are parts of my life that are made so much more simple based on the fact that I have someone who makes me smile now.. but that's just it.. he's making things EASIER for me.. I absolutely love his company, I love (almost) everything about our relationship, and I wouldn't walk away [without questions] at this point even if he asked me.

But I can take care of myself. I know I should be eating breakfast, and getting enough nutrients throughout my day.. I love that he wants to take care of me.. I love that he wants to see me happy.. But I can take care of myself.

So I'm digressing from my original topic. Fears. So if I no longer worry about being alone, what, then, is my biggest fear?

I'd have to say dying without accomplishing everything I've ever wanted to do. Or at least most of it. I've become so ambitious lately that I want to succeed in so many aspects of my life. I'm scared of not being able to do everything. I guess that's why I [try to] stay so organized.. I'm constantly writing a "Things To Do" list - virtually everywhere.. and I always need paper near me to write things down.. I have so much to do, with so little time, and I truly am scared of wasting time.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I can be pretty lazy, and when it comes to relaxing, I love cuddling up and watching time pass slowly just as much as any other sappy romantic! But I can't be spending all my days relaxing like that. I need to be on my feet, doing SOMETHING. Yeah, call me crazy. I'm not gonna deny it.

I've also adopted another fear. I'm scared of being the same. I don't want to be like everyone else.. although that's pretty much inevitable. I hate falling into stereotypes or generalize categories of any sort. I want to be different. I want to stand out.

So does that mean I like attention? Do I like the spotlight shining on me?

HELL YEAH!

differences

This time around, it's going to be different.

I'm with someone who's different from all the other guys I've dated -
someone who promises to try his best to keep me happy..
someone who wants to take care of me..
someone who constantly compliments me..
someone who appreciates me for simply who i am..

someone who i know deserves better than i can give..

[* Random thought: My bed feels more lonely than ever tonight. I miss falling asleep and waking up next to someone. *]

So how is it going to be different now?

First of all, I won't suffocate his life. I'm not going to hover around or choke the relationship. Trust is going to be a big factor, as it always is, but somehow I feel like I can trust him more than my last boyfriend.

But at the same time, I won't be hurt as badly just in case anything DOES happen. I've been hurt [badly] in the past, and I know I don't need that to delay my happiness. If this turns out to be too much to handle, then I'm out. At this point, I don't see it being an issue at all, and I can't imagine not smiling when I think of him, but just in case, I'm prepared. I'm standing on my own two feet whether I have someone to carry me or not.

It all feels so new to me somehow. I haven't felt this way in so long and I've got to get used to it sometime soon.. I don't want to lose this anytime soon =)

On another note, however..

I'm weary about the ex-factor. She's still around, and I trust him and that's not even the issue.. BUT I feel like there's 3 of us in the relationship sometimes.. and it's causing a lot more stress than I would have anticipated.. I'm not really sure how to think about it right now, but I know that I don't really want to be stuck in between the two of them. I prefer the times it's just him and me.. I guess it's just a happier picture.. And I know that's terribly greedy of me, but it's the truth. I kinda want him to myself.. I mean, he IS my boyfriend right?

Man.. I have a boyfriend? *CRAZY!* I'm still in shock. =)

The Not-So-Perfect Man

"I'm not afraid of you because you've had hard times. I'm afraid of people who haven't"

I'm excited. I've finally found someone who treats me the way I should be treated.. who doesn't stop appreciating who I am.. who gives me BUTTERFLIES everytime i talk to him..

And I can't stop smiling! I can't stop listening to all my love music again! I just can't stop being happy!

Date is planned for Friday. I'm quite excited =) Details to follow. haha

Til then, Happy Thanksgiving. I definitely know what I'm thankful for this year =)

bouncin off the walls again

I need to stop smiling so much. It's dangerous. LOL
But seriously.. I'm scared I'm going to end up getting my hopes up again, then having my heart broken even more..

But it feels so nice having someone interested in me =)

Gotta Love Ol' Blue Eyes

"One of Sinatra's favorite toasts to make with glass in hand was, 'May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine.' The master is gone but his voice will live forever."

- Tony Bennett

So timeless.

Angry Little Asian Girl

Step by Step

=] I haven't smiled this often in so long. It feels so good.

I'm back to being independent. Back to being in control of my life. I'm back to being me.

And of course, that also includes the boy problems. hahaha ;)

note to self: shut up.

One thing I keep forgetting is to keep my mouth shut lol
Especially late at night.
I like a guy, I'm interested.. I blow it. How? I talk too much.
Oy.

Too bad.. I'm pretty sure I scared him away..
Too bad.. He's one of the 'nice guys'..
Too bad.. I'm definitely not..

Oh well.. doesn't mean I'm giving up. :wink:

Warning Labels + Rules

I created my very own first breakup rule: Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy.

Breakup rule No. 2: Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores.

Breakup rule No. 3: Never stop thinking about him, even for a moment.because that’s the moment he’ll appear.

And finally, the most important breakup rule: No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal,you’ll never get through it without your friends.

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So I got to wondering what it would be like if everyone had warning labels..
"Takes an hour to get ready for a date."
"Obsessed with working out and looking good."
"Constantly flirtatious."

Would we be less inclined to get to know someone if we knew in advance what the bad side was? I mean, we all know that no one is perfect. Which means there are aspects about the opposite sex that technically would turn you off.. So if, for example, I knew that he kept his personal life completely confidential and didn't like his friends becoming friends.. I probably wouldn't have even bothered giving him my name. But at the same time, after knowing all of this eventually, I still stuck around..

Do we judge too quickly before getting to know someone, therefore too easily ruin something that could possibly be good?

At the same time.. if I had only known how things would have turned out, maybe I wouldn't have gotten hurt so badly..

Maybe people SHOULD come with a warning label..

---

my warning labels? hmmm...

Warning: Does not cooperate well with cheaters. Enjoys PDA occassionally, but not regularly. Loves adventures - don't be boring. Likes it rough. ;) hahaha

A Change in Pace

Recently, I cut him out of my life. Well, to be more accurate, he chose to cut me out of his. I knew it was the best thing to do but I was still scared. I was scared I'd be lost without having someone, even if that person treated me terribly. I was dependent on his presence.

But now that I step back and look at the situation, I realize how great it's been since we went out separate ways. My life is definitely changing, and it seems as if it's going pretty well..

I decided I'm going to go back to studying the Bible. Last weekend, I checked out a variety show at a state university. I witnessed some amazing talent that brought me back to the days I used to be in youth group. As I sat there, I thought to myself, "it feels really comfortable to be listening to this again.." Ok, so that's a really bad way to put it. It doesn't really describe what was going on in my mind and body. But the instant one guy put the mic up and started to sing, it just hit me. I decided to go back to my Faith.

Moreover, I'm meeting new people. And it's pretty exciting. I almost gave up on the gentleman type, but I've been reminded plenty of times (which has been great) that there are still good guys out there.

I'm not as hardcore on my workout + diet routine, but to be honest, I'm happy with my body. Well, that is, until I see all the asian girls and their size 0 jeans. I will never be a 0.. mainly because I have big hips.. my confidence level of losing 10 lbs in the last one and a half months just dropped to the floor when I was on the dance floor with everyone. But now that I'm back home, and I'm comparing how I look now to how I used to look, I'm satisfied again.

And that's pretty much it.. I'm satisfied again.