Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Tuesday, November 27, 2007
My biggest fear has always been being alone. I'm scared of the dark, I'm scared of heights, I'm scare of a LOT of things, but the one fear that I've always had is dying alone, without anyone by my side.

But I realize more and more every day that I shouldn't be this way. I don't NEED someone to tell me I'm going to be okay in order for me to be okay.. I don't NEED someone to tell me I'm beautiful in order for me to feel beautiful.. I don't NEED someone to tell me that I'm right. Well, that's because I KNOW I'm right [haha just kidding. sometimes.]

I believe the most attractive aspect of a woman is independence. And that's what I strive for.. to be capable of taking care of myself. In the past, I have been THE most clingy, dependent, and needy girlfriend / friend / human being alive. I'm slowly changing my ways because it's just such a turn-off to see a girl who needs a man to be happy.

I'm happy. I truly am. I mean, there are parts of my life that are made so much more simple based on the fact that I have someone who makes me smile now.. but that's just it.. he's making things EASIER for me.. I absolutely love his company, I love (almost) everything about our relationship, and I wouldn't walk away [without questions] at this point even if he asked me.

But I can take care of myself. I know I should be eating breakfast, and getting enough nutrients throughout my day.. I love that he wants to take care of me.. I love that he wants to see me happy.. But I can take care of myself.

So I'm digressing from my original topic. Fears. So if I no longer worry about being alone, what, then, is my biggest fear?

I'd have to say dying without accomplishing everything I've ever wanted to do. Or at least most of it. I've become so ambitious lately that I want to succeed in so many aspects of my life. I'm scared of not being able to do everything. I guess that's why I [try to] stay so organized.. I'm constantly writing a "Things To Do" list - virtually everywhere.. and I always need paper near me to write things down.. I have so much to do, with so little time, and I truly am scared of wasting time.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I can be pretty lazy, and when it comes to relaxing, I love cuddling up and watching time pass slowly just as much as any other sappy romantic! But I can't be spending all my days relaxing like that. I need to be on my feet, doing SOMETHING. Yeah, call me crazy. I'm not gonna deny it.

I've also adopted another fear. I'm scared of being the same. I don't want to be like everyone else.. although that's pretty much inevitable. I hate falling into stereotypes or generalize categories of any sort. I want to be different. I want to stand out.

So does that mean I like attention? Do I like the spotlight shining on me?


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