split

[side one] I don't THINK enough.
[side two] I think too much. I care too much.

[side one] I'm too friendly.
[side two] I'm not enough of a friend.

[side one] I'm starting to wish I could just give up and have someone else live my life for me.
[side two] I'm starting to wish people would just let me live the way I want to, and be the person I am, before walking all over my sunshine and taking it all away.

Religion

Today I was asked what I thought about church.

I currently say that I am not religious. I used to be, but I stepped away from the church for a number of reasons. One of these reasons is that I lost faith, not in the Catholic faith, but in the Catholic church. I saw people everywhere saying they were devout followers of Jesus Christ, but then go out and drink and commit crimes of infidelity. It sounds extreme, but it's true. There are a lot of hypocritical people out there, and it really upset me.

But that really doesn't give me an excuse. So when I was asked what I thought about CHURCH, it really got me thinking. AM I religious? Because I know what I believe, and I'm comfortable with my own faith. The only challenge I have is professing that faith for the main reason I stepped away from it in the first place - I am one of the hypocrites. I lie, I cheat, I steal.. I am a typical sinner.. And I have accepted that because I know I am human.. I just cannot find myself, at least in the near future, being able to commit to the Catholic faith at this time because I know I will make mistakes over and over again. I want to be able to say that I am religious and MEAN it..

Nevertheless, the debate over whether the religion was all it was "cracked up to be" bothered me because I still feel that if I had to make the choice all over again, I would still choose to be Catholic. There have been times when I questioned that, but it only strengthened my faith in the end. It's funny though that no matter how much I will admit that I am not religious, if you get me started, I will defend what I believe.

dreams

to be honest, it's not even about the money really.. i hate arguments about money.. with a passion.. it's actually one of my biggest pet peeves.. i don't admit it to anyone because, quite simply, i'm bad with my money. so why argue. i know what i'm doing.

so what IS the problem? it's that i set standards for myself a long time ago. until now i've accepted that the compromise was okay because i'm dating someone who really believes himself to be a "gentleman"-type.. and he has DEFINITELY proved it..

but lately, i feel as if he's comfortable to the point where he doesn't need to impress me. he doesn't NEED to pay for everything [he really doesn't]. he doesn't NEED to tell me that he thinks i'm beautiful or amazing. he doesn't NEED to tell me how lucky he feels to have me.

i mean, to be honest, a girl is LUCKY to have a guy like that, but in the end, if she doesn't have it, she still shouldn't be complaining because at least she has a guy who's there for her.. who's hugging her and kissing her constantly..

but my dreams [those that i haven't shared] have left me hopeful to a level of discomfort. i find myself wishing he would say things.. wishing he would do things.. that things would be different.

the bigggest given in dating, however, is that no matter what, you cannot change the person you are with.. and you cannot change FOR the person you are with.. you simply have to be yourself, and that will determine your happiness together..

today i let a "dream" slip out of my mouth.. and it led to a disaster. i know what i said was out of line and completely rediculous and unreasonable. i know that i was wrong to say and even THINK it.. i shouldn't be complaining and i KNOW that..

but i can't help but to have dreams right? right now, i feel so guilty about that one "desire".. but what's worse is that i actually DO feel guilty about it.. that he was so defensive and upset by it.. and that no matter what, i always lose arguments even if i'm not trying to argue.

i can't get the rest of my thoughts out well enough, so that's all i'm going to write for now. i'm not sure when the next time i'll talk to him will be, but i hope it's soon.. this argument [if u could call it that] was not worth losing him..

patterns

it's not supposed to bother me. i shouldn't care that a girl that's in love with him is calling him.. he's with me, right?

the past is the past. that's what i always tell him.. and that's what i've always believed..

but how do i know that the past really IS just the past? how do i know if his past is in his present?

trust. yes yes, trust. it's a difficult issue to tackle.. but it shouldn't be, right? it should be simple. i simply have to trust him. and it will all be fine..

easier said than done. i think too much. he tells me that if i worry too much about the future, i'm going to miss what's happening right now..

but at the same time, if i just enjoy life as it comes to me, how will i be prepared for the pain that i might come across in the future. i can't afford to get hurt all over again. i can't lose any more sleep / distress over relationships, especially next semester when school starts again.. and i can't cry over another guy..

patterns blow.