dreams

to be honest, it's not even about the money really.. i hate arguments about money.. with a passion.. it's actually one of my biggest pet peeves.. i don't admit it to anyone because, quite simply, i'm bad with my money. so why argue. i know what i'm doing.

so what IS the problem? it's that i set standards for myself a long time ago. until now i've accepted that the compromise was okay because i'm dating someone who really believes himself to be a "gentleman"-type.. and he has DEFINITELY proved it..

but lately, i feel as if he's comfortable to the point where he doesn't need to impress me. he doesn't NEED to pay for everything [he really doesn't]. he doesn't NEED to tell me that he thinks i'm beautiful or amazing. he doesn't NEED to tell me how lucky he feels to have me.

i mean, to be honest, a girl is LUCKY to have a guy like that, but in the end, if she doesn't have it, she still shouldn't be complaining because at least she has a guy who's there for her.. who's hugging her and kissing her constantly..

but my dreams [those that i haven't shared] have left me hopeful to a level of discomfort. i find myself wishing he would say things.. wishing he would do things.. that things would be different.

the bigggest given in dating, however, is that no matter what, you cannot change the person you are with.. and you cannot change FOR the person you are with.. you simply have to be yourself, and that will determine your happiness together..

today i let a "dream" slip out of my mouth.. and it led to a disaster. i know what i said was out of line and completely rediculous and unreasonable. i know that i was wrong to say and even THINK it.. i shouldn't be complaining and i KNOW that..

but i can't help but to have dreams right? right now, i feel so guilty about that one "desire".. but what's worse is that i actually DO feel guilty about it.. that he was so defensive and upset by it.. and that no matter what, i always lose arguments even if i'm not trying to argue.

i can't get the rest of my thoughts out well enough, so that's all i'm going to write for now. i'm not sure when the next time i'll talk to him will be, but i hope it's soon.. this argument [if u could call it that] was not worth losing him..