Friday, July 28, 2006

Reflections on Sex and the City

Friday, July 28, 2006
Carrie met Big, and it was a casual flirting friendship. Then it became a "wonderful" relationship. Then it became an ugly relationship. Then they broke up. They saw other people. Big got married, then he got divorced. Carrie found a perfect boyfriend, but then they broke up.
Throughout all the "I love you's" that Carrie said throughout the course of the series, there were always some relationships that just simply ended. But she was able to move on. In the end, she was with Big. It was the 'happily ever after' moment that every girl will dream about.

Including me.

But as I fantasize over how obtainable that dream really is, I begin to wonder if Big & Carrie would have been able to love each other as much as they did in the end if they hadn't gone their separate ways. Some of my friends absolutely hate big because he ruined Carrie's life over and over again. but I don't always see it that way -- Carrie messed up too. When she had an affair with big when she was with Aidan, it was her fault too. She showed that she wasn't right for Aidan (no matter how perfect he was for her). She showed that there were still some remaining feelings left from her broken heart.

So now I begin to wonder: should I be trying to go my own separate path right now? Should I just let fate handle the relationship I currently have and just keep praying that he really is the one? That stupid line, "If you love something, set it free; if it comes back keep it and love it forever"... I don't know, I guess it's because of my cousin that I'm starting to see things in another light.

"I don't believe in letting it go or letting it work itself out in thefuture not now if it's something you know you want. Carpe diem. Seize theday. Find your demons, confront them, discover yourself and live for themoment. There is no point in time than when you'll feel more alive than NOW."

Maybe it's time to let go. Maybe I need to take action against my "demons" and just confront him about it. But I've tried that, and it hasn't been working. There is no compromise that is willing to be made -- I feel like I'm the only one who is willing to do anything to make it a happy ending again. I don't know if it's me being selfish but I'm not happy anymore and it's because I'm not getting things that I not only want, but need in a relationship... Ok, yes, we're not an official couple, but there is some sort of special connection between us.

So what is it that I want? I want someone who appreciates me, and lets me feel appreciated. I want someone who makes me feel needed -- as if he couldn't live without me; that I've made his world brighter or more special somehow. I hate feeling guilty about my own personal feelings. I hate thinking that because of my opinions and perspectives, I've created an "ugly" persona of myself. And to be honest, I don't think I would feel this way if we would just stop arguing so much. I don't want to complain because it would be unfair to him if I were to do it online, in a blog, when he wouldn't be able to defend himself properly.

I still love him, and I will continue to love him forever, but maybe now is a time to obtain a greater meaning to the word love... Maybe I should learn to give way to something less, demanding I guess he would say, away from the stress that has caused us both sleepless nights and frustrated moments.

.:sigh:. I'm still not sure what I'm doing. I wish I had help, but it seems as if I keep trusting the wrong people.

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