Thursday, January 11, 2007

the first time

Thursday, January 11, 2007
Charlotte: Oh God, seeing someone for the first time [after you break up] is the worst. You never know how to act.
Carrie: Yeah, and then there's the vomit.

so i saw *him* the other night. i was on a "date" - we were really just going as friends, but *he* didn't know that. my date and i walked into the theater to see the pursuit of happyness, and there he was. play-fighting with a girl i remembered as one of his closest friends, after me. we saw each other right away. and we both froze. i wanted to run, but i didn't know which way i wanted to go.

i looked at my "date" and he asked if that was him. i said yes, and we walked towards them.

i walked past the girl and he stood up to greet me. we hugged for what seemed like a long time, but in reality was probably 15 seconds. it felt good to feel his embrace and hear his voice. i knew i was in trouble by that point. and it was probably a mistake, but we sat next to them. it didn't help that my date and he were good friends back in high school.

during the whole movie, we were talking. it was all in good fun, and we caught up with each other's lives for a little bit. there is still plenty to share, but the movie wasn't that long.

also during the movie, i caught his eye, and i just looked at him. it really felt as if we picked up where we had left off...

it's funny. i fell for him all over again. i missed him more than i have ever missed him before... and he's gone again. it's as if he never saw me... as if he never even thought about me. but i swear, i saw it in his eyes -- there's still something there.

i know i'm getting my hopes up again. but i know i still love him. i haven't tried "going for new guys" at all lately because i realize i'm hung up on him. since the first of the year, i've been thinking about him. i want to know how he's doing... how his life is going... but i can't.

i'm back to square one - wanting nothing else but him back when he's happy without me.

if i compared my life to sex and the city - he is my mr. big. hands down. he is the guy i want to be with in the end. and at the same time, he is the one who ruins any chances of me being happy with anyone else.

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