apologies.

it just dawned on me why it all still seems so unsettled.. sorry just isn't enough. i know i shouldn't be asking for anything more.. but i feel like with all i went through, "i'm sorry" isn't enough.

i mean, i'm not saying he owes me his life. the apology is all he can give me. and that's why i now realize that i deserve better than that. he can't give me what i want. he can't make me happy anymore.. he DOESN'T make me happy anymore.. he's a changed person.. he's not the person i used to love.. but am i allowed to love something that isn't there anymore???

i gave him everything i was.. everything i had.. i waited on him hand and foot.. i spoiled him.. and for that i got nothing.. i was treated poorly and i got disrespected.. i ended up lying constantly just so i could see him.. i did whatever i had to do to prove that i loved him.. even when he admitted he didn't love me back..

yes, obviously i'm still stuck on him.. and it's THOROUGHLY unhealthy.. no matter how much i try to get over it, i guess i'm always going to have it in the back of my mind.. over analyzing it on a regular basis..

this is why i want a new relationships so badly.. i want to know that there is someone out there better than him.. someone who will love me.. someone who will constantly make me smile, rather than hurt me and make me cry..

when his apologies aren't even enough to settle this broken heart, it's time to realize that it's over. it's just not good enough for me anymore.