Thursday, August 03, 2006

Thursday, August 03, 2006
I hate fighting, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not enjoying the times when we're together as much as I used to. I'm not myself around him, but I guess in any relationship, you're a different person when you're with your "love".

But I do suddenly see how much I've changed just because I'm 'with' him [not physically]. This summer was a lot different than last summer, as a friend and I discussed this evening. Last summer, I was completely single, and I met a lot of great people -- girls and guys alike. Not just people I had feelings for, but people I had a lot of fun with. I wasn't just part of one specific group; I was a social butterfly. This summer I was either at work or with him. The sad part is that I know I had the opportunity to have similar experiences from last year [meeting new people/making new friends], but I choose to stick with what I felt like I need to catch up on instead.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade in the amazing adventures he and I had this summer, but I regret taking up an entire day just figuring out what to do when I could have been doing something more productive. And that's what I realize I need more of: time for myself. Time to regroup and understand what I want in life. Not just what I want in a boy, not just what I want FROM boys, but what I want for myself. I want to be happy in the future, so I guess to be able to reach that point I have to start sacrificing the things that are keeping me from that, right?

I hate to admit it, but I know it's true... he has held me back from things that I now understand I needed. I've been denying it for so long, and I guess part of it was so that he wouldn't feel bad about it. And in return, I was hurt every time he was going out with his friends -- doing the things I should have been doing too.

So what do I do now? Part of me knows that I should take a break, but the rest of me is scared. What if I don't find anyone else like him, but he'll find someone who makes him happier? What if I'm overreacting again, and I'm making a big deal out of nothing? What if this ends up being a decision I regret for the rest of my life? For the longest time, he WAS my life, but now I'm realizing that was wrong -- I need my own life, but I want him to be the biggest part of it. AH. I don't know how to think. I wish I could just go to someone for advice on this but no one understands me like he does. That's another thing that's frustrating -- he's not only my Mr.Complicated 'Boyfriend' ~ he's also my best friend.

This is what happens when you stop thinking with your heart and start listening to your head.

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