the only thing constant

the only thing constant in my life is that i am constantly changing.

exactly a year ago, i reflected upon how much i loved 2005, and how much i was dreading 2006 to come along. i had experienced heavy drama at the end of 2005 that i knew would carry into 2006 to make it a difficult year for me. i cried a lot and fought with people i loved. i sacrificed things that shouldn't have been sacrificed, and i made some poor decisions. i lost friends, i made enemies, i had plenty of drama.

as the countdown "10-9-8-7-6..." was displayed on the tv screen at my uncle's house, i felt my heart sink. i could hear myself screaming on the inside "NO! I DON'T WANT IT! 2005 WAS MY YEAR! DON'T TAKE IT AWAY!"

"...5-4-3-2-1"

and just like that, it was over. it was a new year, a new start. my aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, brother were celebrating all around me. but, after kissing my family as the tradition goes on new years, i walked into the bathroom and cried. i was scared.

for the first 17 days of 2006, i cried all but 2 days. the rest of the school year [[spring 2006]] turned out to be terrible. i did poorly in classes and i just didn't care about anything except my "relationship" with *him*. i even ended up being kicked out of the school. in the summer, i had to write a letter to a board of educators, explaining why i felt that i deserved a second chance. well i got my second chance. which meant that i never told my parents about being placed on academic probation.

because my parents thought that i did well that semester, i was able to see him more often. in fact, i saw him virtually every day of the summer. and i talked to him almost all of my free time. i loved it. i loved being able to do simple tasks, like taking random walks or just doing errands. but he was clearly not happy. he didn't want to just do "nothing" with me. and he thought we hung out too much. i was too focused on what i wanted to realize that he didn't want the same things.

so at the end of the summer, we ended not just our complicated "relationship", but our entire friendship as well. and that brings me to the fall semester of 2006.

since the beginning of the semester, i have attempted some sort of "special friendship" with exactly 19 guys. in the beginning of the semester, i was depressed and heartbroken. now i am content with my new lifestyle, and satisfied with the many friendships that have formed and developed in the past four months. yes, of course i get lonely at times, but what single girl doesn't from time to time? i don't mind it much. i have plenty of friends who help me get by.

this is my last semester at the university. for next semester, i have decided to work full time. this is for a number of reasons:

1) my grades have not improved.
2) tuition at the university is much too high
3) i'm changing majors, for the 4th time.
4) my family and i both run into financial dilemmas all too often. i want to help.
5) my life at the school is all too... "distracting" for an education. i am too involved with the "fun" activities on campus.

so with the end of yet another year, i realize that i've grown a lot and, as with every day of my life, i have changed. it is in my highest hopes that the changes i've gone through in the past 365 days will help me become who i am destined to become in the future. i look forward to the next few months working full time, without worrying about school. even for just a semester. i promise i will not quit school completely. i am much smarter than that. i just messed up a lot. and i need to re-group myself. but i want to start fresh in the fall, not immediately in the spring.

moving on

So I guess it could be a good thing... but at the same time, it's so freakin' scary!

I'm just unsure of myself, that's all. I like this new guy... but he just broke up with his girlfriend.. but he called me right after! Doesn't that mean something? But I scared him away... but he's still talking to me!

And then there's the other one. I scared him away too... but it was JUST when I was starting to LIKE him!

What the hell am I doing... I'm not ready for any of this. :sigh:

suffocated by life

I'm overwhelmed. That's the exact word to describe how my life is at the moment.
Why is my life overwhelming? Boys - of course. Financial Dilemmas - I'm a college student. Future Plans - like I said, I'm a college student.
First of all, the boys. Yes, I still miss him. But at the same time, I'm moving on in life. But this only further complicates my life. There are too many boys, and with each one that I get closer to, the further I begin to push them away. Why? Because I'm scared. I'm scared that if I make a move, then I will lose him completely. I will lose all chances of ever getting him back. Even though at this point, I don't even know if I even have that chance anyway. I just wish I could talk to him! I wish I could just TALK to him!
So these new boys. First of all, there is one who I've been friends with for a year now, and recently we have taken our friendship one step further. Although it was fun at first, I'm starting to realize how wrong it feels. I feel dirty and slutty and uncomfortable with the whole situation. And all we've done is kiss! So I had to tell him to back off. That I wasn't ready for anything like that. And I hurt him. I guess he had feelings for me. So I hurt him.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I swear, I didn't even realize... which is my problem. I constantly hurt others because I don't think of their feelings. I'm too focused on myself. Even though, when I was with him, my problem was a lack of self-confidence. According to my [ex] closest friends at school, however, I now have become "cocky" and "annoying". So what the hell?! I can't please everyone. I know that. But if my closest friends are saying those kinds of things about me, TO MY FACE, then something must be wrong with me. Right?
But moving on, I have financial drama as well. I'm currently so overdrawn in my bank account that my paycheck that goes through at midnight tonight won't be enough to get me in the clear. I will have to borrow money, which I will not be able to pay back for another two weeks. And even then, I will still have more bills to pay, and more money to owe. This is getting all too frustrating and complicated for a college student. This is why I want to take a "break" and work full time for a semester (or two), then transfer to a community college. But of course, with parents like mine, this is easier said than done. They want me at a four-year private, catholic university because it has a more prestigious background. They do not consider, however, that it is costing me an arm and a leg to attend this school, not just in loans that I will pay when I graduate, but in the many small "costs" of commuting -- food, drink, transportation, and educational fees. Books alone cost me about $300 this year, and that's only because I didn't even buy all of my required books for the semester! I use up a tank of gas per week. Currently the gas prices are about $2.20 per gallon. That's about $22.00 a week, times four weeks a month, is $88/month for gas money. Then I pay my cell phone bill, which is $80/month, as well as my car payments, which are $176/month. Then, of course, I have a life, so I also buy lunch, occasionally dinner, for myself, as well as any miscellaneous purchases for a decent social life. Totaled, that's at least $366/month in necessary costs. Oh yeah! And I owe the school over $10,000 for my tuition.
Which is why I'll be working full time next semester. Making $1,700/month.
And ok, I'm too tired to write about the rest of my problems right now. Good enough for now. I'm going to bed. In a REALLY bad mood.

start of something new?

fall 2006 = new me?

so i went to a party on saturday... and it was with a group of people i honestly didn't hang out with much... actually, it was the first time i had spent longer than 5 minutes with them ever!
well, first we went to go watch the football game. not bad ~ we won... but i really wasn't paying attention to the game... i was amazed at how great i got along with everyone that was there... i felt like i fit in somehow... like i wasn't just on the outside of this little group of friends...

then we got to my friend's apartment, since that's where the party was... well, people started to drink, but i didnt (along with a couple others)... that's when i started to notice a change... the girls became more outgoing, and MUCH louder and crazier than me, and i felt myself flying towards the walls... i felt pretty out of place, but at the same time, i was enjoying watching how 'the other world' lives... on one hand, i felt like a loser ~ i kept thinking "i'm not one of them" "i'm not cool enough to be here"... but the other half realized that these were my friends. no, they're not my best friends, but i WAS invited, right? and people WERE still hanging out with me... and hey! i even got a lot of hugs from one guy and a mini massage from another...

the whole night actually got me thinking though... i'm supposed to be learning to move on. i've already decided that i'm not going to get into another relationship, but i'm going to go out and have as much fun as i can while i'm still in college. but the conclusion i came up with as i drove away from the apartments was that the girls who were drinking and dancing... THEY were having fun... i was quiet and kept to myself, and i was not the life of the party [i enjoy the attention generally].... am i doing something wrong? if i don't change and conform to the 'norms' of the party scene, will i really just become a face in the crowd? will i end up getting 'the nice guys', the 'relationship' guys? i don't WANT a relationship... i want to have fun... but if i'm the more 'mature, conservative' type, won't that only attract the 'mature, conservative' type of guys??

:ugh: i think too much. that's why i can't have fun.