moving on

So I guess it could be a good thing... but at the same time, it's so freakin' scary!

I'm just unsure of myself, that's all. I like this new guy... but he just broke up with his girlfriend.. but he called me right after! Doesn't that mean something? But I scared him away... but he's still talking to me!

And then there's the other one. I scared him away too... but it was JUST when I was starting to LIKE him!

What the hell am I doing... I'm not ready for any of this. :sigh:

suffocated by life

I'm overwhelmed. That's the exact word to describe how my life is at the moment.
Why is my life overwhelming? Boys - of course. Financial Dilemmas - I'm a college student. Future Plans - like I said, I'm a college student.
First of all, the boys. Yes, I still miss him. But at the same time, I'm moving on in life. But this only further complicates my life. There are too many boys, and with each one that I get closer to, the further I begin to push them away. Why? Because I'm scared. I'm scared that if I make a move, then I will lose him completely. I will lose all chances of ever getting him back. Even though at this point, I don't even know if I even have that chance anyway. I just wish I could talk to him! I wish I could just TALK to him!
So these new boys. First of all, there is one who I've been friends with for a year now, and recently we have taken our friendship one step further. Although it was fun at first, I'm starting to realize how wrong it feels. I feel dirty and slutty and uncomfortable with the whole situation. And all we've done is kiss! So I had to tell him to back off. That I wasn't ready for anything like that. And I hurt him. I guess he had feelings for me. So I hurt him.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I swear, I didn't even realize... which is my problem. I constantly hurt others because I don't think of their feelings. I'm too focused on myself. Even though, when I was with him, my problem was a lack of self-confidence. According to my [ex] closest friends at school, however, I now have become "cocky" and "annoying". So what the hell?! I can't please everyone. I know that. But if my closest friends are saying those kinds of things about me, TO MY FACE, then something must be wrong with me. Right?
But moving on, I have financial drama as well. I'm currently so overdrawn in my bank account that my paycheck that goes through at midnight tonight won't be enough to get me in the clear. I will have to borrow money, which I will not be able to pay back for another two weeks. And even then, I will still have more bills to pay, and more money to owe. This is getting all too frustrating and complicated for a college student. This is why I want to take a "break" and work full time for a semester (or two), then transfer to a community college. But of course, with parents like mine, this is easier said than done. They want me at a four-year private, catholic university because it has a more prestigious background. They do not consider, however, that it is costing me an arm and a leg to attend this school, not just in loans that I will pay when I graduate, but in the many small "costs" of commuting -- food, drink, transportation, and educational fees. Books alone cost me about $300 this year, and that's only because I didn't even buy all of my required books for the semester! I use up a tank of gas per week. Currently the gas prices are about $2.20 per gallon. That's about $22.00 a week, times four weeks a month, is $88/month for gas money. Then I pay my cell phone bill, which is $80/month, as well as my car payments, which are $176/month. Then, of course, I have a life, so I also buy lunch, occasionally dinner, for myself, as well as any miscellaneous purchases for a decent social life. Totaled, that's at least $366/month in necessary costs. Oh yeah! And I owe the school over $10,000 for my tuition.
Which is why I'll be working full time next semester. Making $1,700/month.
And ok, I'm too tired to write about the rest of my problems right now. Good enough for now. I'm going to bed. In a REALLY bad mood.

start of something new?

fall 2006 = new me?

so i went to a party on saturday... and it was with a group of people i honestly didn't hang out with much... actually, it was the first time i had spent longer than 5 minutes with them ever!
well, first we went to go watch the football game. not bad ~ we won... but i really wasn't paying attention to the game... i was amazed at how great i got along with everyone that was there... i felt like i fit in somehow... like i wasn't just on the outside of this little group of friends...

then we got to my friend's apartment, since that's where the party was... well, people started to drink, but i didnt (along with a couple others)... that's when i started to notice a change... the girls became more outgoing, and MUCH louder and crazier than me, and i felt myself flying towards the walls... i felt pretty out of place, but at the same time, i was enjoying watching how 'the other world' lives... on one hand, i felt like a loser ~ i kept thinking "i'm not one of them" "i'm not cool enough to be here"... but the other half realized that these were my friends. no, they're not my best friends, but i WAS invited, right? and people WERE still hanging out with me... and hey! i even got a lot of hugs from one guy and a mini massage from another...

the whole night actually got me thinking though... i'm supposed to be learning to move on. i've already decided that i'm not going to get into another relationship, but i'm going to go out and have as much fun as i can while i'm still in college. but the conclusion i came up with as i drove away from the apartments was that the girls who were drinking and dancing... THEY were having fun... i was quiet and kept to myself, and i was not the life of the party [i enjoy the attention generally].... am i doing something wrong? if i don't change and conform to the 'norms' of the party scene, will i really just become a face in the crowd? will i end up getting 'the nice guys', the 'relationship' guys? i don't WANT a relationship... i want to have fun... but if i'm the more 'mature, conservative' type, won't that only attract the 'mature, conservative' type of guys??

:ugh: i think too much. that's why i can't have fun.

it's funny how love works.

I knew it was the right thing to do. It was the best for the both of us - we could both focus on our studies... I wouldn't be distracted, and he wouldn't have to worry about having another major committment and have to lose all his freetime with me.

But somehow, this doesn't feel any better. Maybe it's because it's only the first week of school and I don't really have much to keep myself from thinking about him. But somehow, I feel that this hurts more than if we had remained friends. I regret it so much -- telling him that it would hurt to not be in a relationship and just be friends, because we pretty much suck at being just friends. I miss him. I really, really miss him. Everywhere I go, I see or hear something that makes me think of him. I hear a song I sang to him once, or one that he sang to me. My friends make a joke that I think he would find hilarious. I see people that transferred to my school that are his friends too. I watch a preview for a movie that I want to watch with him. I went into the toy aisle of a store and found toys that I wanted to buy him!

I can't get him out of my mind! We ended the relationship because we wanted to focus on our studies and keep our minds in the right places, but it's not working. I'm still constantly thinking about how much I miss him and how much I wish I could just talk to him and smile with him. I haven't smiled much lately. And I haven't opened up to anyone either. He was my best friend. I feel so alone without him. I feel my heart literally breaking every time I think about him. I miss him so much. And I don't know what to do about it.

I can't just "keep myself busy" and be okay with it. This isn't right, and I know it. We deserve to be together, and the fact that we're both going through such a hard time [at least, I think he is] proves that breaking up wasn't what we were supposed to do.