backtracking

I've come to believe that being a hopeless romantic is simply that - hopeless. You cannot go through life hoping for the perfect romance, the perfect boyfriend / girlfriend, the perfect relationship. I've accepted the fact that with every happy ending comes a lot of messy roads and rocky paths.

But I can't help but believe that I am still a hopeless romantic at heart. Maybe not so much a hopeless romantic, but more of a traditional romantic. I still appreciate it when a guy will walk me to my door at the end of the night, when a guy holds a door open for not just me, but for others around us, when a guy simply holds my hand and tells me I'm beautiful.

I know I can very easily walk the few feet from the car to my doorstep safely alone. I know I can very easily open the door for myself. I know I don't need anyone to tell me I'm beautiful to believe that I am still beautiful, whether it be on the outside or just the inside. But sometimes it doesn't hurt to have someone do all, if not at least one of those things for me.

Remember that song back in the 90s: "Where have all the cowboys gone" by Paula Cole? I can relate to it on a general basis. I am always happy to serve others, especially someone I'm in a relationship with and care deeply about. But sometimes it helps to have all of that effort appreciated. It feels great knowing that all my generosity isn't going to waste, isn't being taken for granted.

I'm not conceited; to be honest, I'm pretty self-conscious and self-critical. But one thing I know for sure is that no matter how pretty all the other girls are, no matter how amazing they may be at sports, no matter how smart the other girls are, I do have something else - I have unconditional, unending love for those in my life. I put others before myself constantly, and in a sense, a guy who's with me is lucky to have me. I may not be beautiful on the outside, I may not be great at sports, I may not have a passion for cars or bikes, I may not be the world's most intelligent being, but I know how to love. I know how to be loyal and trustworthy and loving.

That's not to say I am better than everyone else. I am not arguing that I'm perfect. I, like everyone else, make mistakes. I am sometimes judgmental and jealous. I am sometimes quick-tempered and irrational. But more often than not, I admit my faults and try to make things better for everyone.

So I know I've gone out on a tangent, but I haven't written in a while, and I haven't really been able to sort things out so well otherwise.

I miss having someone to dance with in the middle of a public place. I miss having someone who misses me. I miss having someone who asks me why I'm sad. I miss having someone who loves me.

Yeah, rather depressing, but I had to let it out. And yeah, I had to do it here. It's virtually anonymous, and for those of my friends who actually know about this blog are simply going to have to keep it a secret. I'm still tough on the outside. I think.