game over

"Just take it from me, it's easier to enjoy the moment and not expect anything more because really there isn't anything more. [...] Whilst I collected compliments and Cartier, tenaciously avoiding commitment or Kleenex, my friends who hoped for the Happily Ever After were discovering that the road to fairyland was long and winding. And often heartbreaking."

-Game Over, Adele Parks

I'm starting to think that being a hopeless romantic is being completely unrealistic. I've planned out my future thoroughly - the number of kids I will have, the house I plan to live in, the type of husband I will have, the names of my future pets, my life as a housewife with a comfortable part-time job... everything.

And yet, I know that I probably won't ever reach that point. I am constantly changing, as I have stated so many times in the past. The ONLY time I ever put my whole heart into something, the only time I committed to something and stuck with it, it ran away from me. It left me heartbroken and alone.

So the most important outcome of such a disaster is to learn something from the experience. I've convinced myself until lately that I will find love again... and maybe someday I will end up with him again. But I have to stop living in the past. I have to stop dreaming. Instead of hoping for that Happily Ever After, I now have a feeling life will be much more simple and, well, live-able, to just enjoy now. No more hoping for a relationship, no more hoping for the perfect man to show up. I'm going to just enjoy being single, being who I am, whether it is a big turn-off to guys or not, and just take it one day at a time.

I've lived a fairy tale life and it was amazing. I woke up and hated the "real world". I've come to realize now that the "real world" is all I've got. No more dreaming of that fairy world. What matters most now is what I have today. If the future ends up like a fairy tale, then I'll be completely grateful, but if it doesn't, then I'll still love what I have.

Now. Let's see how long this positive thinking lasts.

things left unsaid.

---

some things are better left unsaid. at the same time, the unspoken words between two people can define a relationship stronger than what others may hear.

i've never been one to keep my mouth shut. and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. i wish that i would be able to hold things back, like the girl in this comic strip. it's funny because it's true - a lot of people are like that. but i'm not. i say everything that's on my mind, to everyone that's willing to listen [*sometimes it's even to people who don't want to hear what i have to say*]

the first time

Charlotte: Oh God, seeing someone for the first time [after you break up] is the worst. You never know how to act.

Carrie: Yeah, and then there's the vomit.

so i saw *him* the other night. i was on a "date" - we were really just going as friends, but *he* didn't know that. my date and i walked into the theater to see the pursuit of happyness, and there he was. play-fighting with a girl i remembered as one of his closest friends, after me. we saw each other right away. and we both froze. i wanted to run, but i didn't know which way i wanted to go.

i looked at my "date" and he asked if that was him. i said yes, and we walked towards them.

i walked past the girl and he stood up to greet me. we hugged for what seemed like a long time, but in reality was probably 15 seconds. it felt good to feel his embrace and hear his voice. i knew i was in trouble by that point. and it was probably a mistake, but we sat next to them. it didn't help that my date and he were good friends back in high school.

during the whole movie, we were talking. it was all in good fun, and we caught up with each other's lives for a little bit. there is still plenty to share, but the movie wasn't that long.

also during the movie, i caught his eye, and i just looked at him. it really felt as if we picked up where we had left off...

---

it's funny. i fell for him all over again. i missed him more than i have ever missed him before... and he's gone again. it's as if he never saw me... as if he never even thought about me. but i swear, i saw it in his eyes -- there's still something there.

i know i'm getting my hopes up again. but i know i still love him. i haven't tried "going for new guys" at all lately because i realize i'm hung up on him. since the first of the year, i've been thinking about him. i want to know how he's doing... how his life is going... but i can't.

i'm back to square one - wanting nothing else but him back when he's happy without me.

if i compared my life to sex and the city - he is my mr. big. hands down. he is the guy i want to be with in the end. and at the same time, he is the one who ruins any chances of me being happy with anyone else.

the only thing constant

the only thing constant in my life is that i am constantly changing.

exactly a year ago, i reflected upon how much i loved 2005, and how much i was dreading 2006 to come along. i had experienced heavy drama at the end of 2005 that i knew would carry into 2006 to make it a difficult year for me. i cried a lot and fought with people i loved. i sacrificed things that shouldn't have been sacrificed, and i made some poor decisions. i lost friends, i made enemies, i had plenty of drama.

as the countdown "10-9-8-7-6..." was displayed on the tv screen at my uncle's house, i felt my heart sink. i could hear myself screaming on the inside "NO! I DON'T WANT IT! 2005 WAS MY YEAR! DON'T TAKE IT AWAY!"

"...5-4-3-2-1"

and just like that, it was over. it was a new year, a new start. my aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, brother were celebrating all around me. but, after kissing my family as the tradition goes on new years, i walked into the bathroom and cried. i was scared.

for the first 17 days of 2006, i cried all but 2 days. the rest of the school year [[spring 2006]] turned out to be terrible. i did poorly in classes and i just didn't care about anything except my "relationship" with *him*. i even ended up being kicked out of the school. in the summer, i had to write a letter to a board of educators, explaining why i felt that i deserved a second chance. well i got my second chance. which meant that i never told my parents about being placed on academic probation.

because my parents thought that i did well that semester, i was able to see him more often. in fact, i saw him virtually every day of the summer. and i talked to him almost all of my free time. i loved it. i loved being able to do simple tasks, like taking random walks or just doing errands. but he was clearly not happy. he didn't want to just do "nothing" with me. and he thought we hung out too much. i was too focused on what i wanted to realize that he didn't want the same things.

so at the end of the summer, we ended not just our complicated "relationship", but our entire friendship as well. and that brings me to the fall semester of 2006.

since the beginning of the semester, i have attempted some sort of "special friendship" with exactly 19 guys. in the beginning of the semester, i was depressed and heartbroken. now i am content with my new lifestyle, and satisfied with the many friendships that have formed and developed in the past four months. yes, of course i get lonely at times, but what single girl doesn't from time to time? i don't mind it much. i have plenty of friends who help me get by.

this is my last semester at the university. for next semester, i have decided to work full time. this is for a number of reasons:

1) my grades have not improved.
2) tuition at the university is much too high
3) i'm changing majors, for the 4th time.
4) my family and i both run into financial dilemmas all too often. i want to help.
5) my life at the school is all too... "distracting" for an education. i am too involved with the "fun" activities on campus.

so with the end of yet another year, i realize that i've grown a lot and, as with every day of my life, i have changed. it is in my highest hopes that the changes i've gone through in the past 365 days will help me become who i am destined to become in the future. i look forward to the next few months working full time, without worrying about school. even for just a semester. i promise i will not quit school completely. i am much smarter than that. i just messed up a lot. and i need to re-group myself. but i want to start fresh in the fall, not immediately in the spring.