a message.

Thursday, January 17, 2008 2:34am

You're probably sleeping but you gave me a txt earlier saying you're sorry, for what. =) you didn't do anything wrong, I was just being a big baby. i just realized that im being an idiot to someone that cares and loves me. I know your worried about your past, BUT IM NOT YOUR EX, I will NEVER break your heart or ever put you down. I made you cry today and you do not know how sorry and ashamed I felt. I felt like I let you down and that I failed to make you happy. I romise that I will make it up to you I want us to last and I will do ANYTHING to see that happen. I want ot be that guy who you always dreamed and blogged about, someone who you can be proud of , someone who makes you realize everyday that you're loved and cared for, that this guy is always thinking about you. I realized tonight that I will love you always and forever..... it's a long time I know but I want to spend that time with you. I cant say anything more............ all I can say now is I Love You through tears and smiles.. oh and yes, I AM IN FOR A BUMPY RIDE =)

Relapse

It was bound to happen. I haven't cried this hard in so long..

"I'm putting my guard up"
"I can't handle you right now.."


No.. No.. Not again... Please please don't be happening all over again..

I'm pushing him away because of my stupid fucking past.. I hate him.. so much. I hate, hate, hate him for what he did to me.. for what it's doing to me now..

What I have is as close to perfect as I'll ever get.. I'm lucky to have someone who treats me like he does.. and I'm screwing it up.. and it isn't the first time this is happening.. I hate myself for what I'm doing to myself.. back then.. and now.. I'm scared. I'm soo.. so.. scared..

Relapse.

more baby talk.

ugh. came across a message on a radio station message board today:

I was actually surprised on how many girls actually keep their babies at such a young age. I've had this discussion with my boyfriend. If I ended up pregnant, there would be absolutly no way I would keep it. (And he supports me 100%.) Like the other callers, I wouldn't even go through 9 months just to give it up for adoption. I would definatly want an abortion. It's not that I don't want kids. It's just that even at almost 21, I know I'm too young to be havin' babies, and I don't want to ruin the rest of my life with a kid. I know that sounds bad, but I just wouldn't do that to myelf, my boyfriend, or our families. If I ended up pregnant and wanted an abortion, I wouldn't even tell my family (they would freak!) I think you need to talk about this topic for a longer time because there's just so many different topics and concerns that spin off from it. I mean, you didn't even go into talking about the plan B pill. I had to take it one time just to be safe. And in a way, that's sort of an abortion in itself, which is also an option for young kids who have had unprotected sex. But I just wanted to leave a little comment to get my thoughts out there. It was a great show! :-)

rawr.

one month

23 seems to be a pretty amazing number.
a month ago he realized he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
and today he realized he loved me.

he worries that i'm going to realize i made a mistake.. or that he's going to get hurt badly..

but i have no doubt in my mind whatsoever.. this is for real.

i love him too..