hopeless dreaming

this blog is actually not going to be as well-thought out as my previous posts. i can't get my thoughts straight, and i'm sure it's going to show... but i feel like i need to just let it all out...

i want to be friends again. but i have a feeling he doesn't want the same thing. i think he's scared that i still have feelings for him and it will complicate things between us. the truth is, i know i still have feelings for him, but i know it won't complicate things between us.

i'm still enjoying my single life. good for him that he found a girlfriend. i guess i was just upset that he introduced her to his friends as his girlfriend... but when we were together, they didn't even know my name. and he lied to me saying that he didn't want a girlfriend during college. so now i start to wonder how much he lied about when we were together. and that's what hurts. not the fact that he moved on... the fact that he is now a liar to me.

and yes, i really do still have feelings for him. but that's because he was such a big part of my life, and i will never, ever get over him. i will always keep him close to my heart because he was there for me through some of the toughest years of my life. granted, some of those moments were tough because we were together... but he was still there for me so i could keep my head up.

which is why i want to be friends again. i can't just lose what we had completely. we had a special connection and he knew me better than all my friends combined.

we have a date on friday night. i wonder if he'll somehow cancel on me last second. i wonder if we'll be able to talk. i wonder if we'll ever see each other again after that. i wonder if he still thinks about me.

all these random questions in my mind!! nothing ever gets answered because he's been immature enough to not return my calls... not to ever call me... not to ever TALK to me... yes we "caught up" a little last wednesday... but minimally. we made small talk. we gossiped. we got to know each other.

but i also realized that he already knew a lot of what was going on in my life. how is it that he knows so much about how i've been... and yet i didn't even know he had an actual girlfriend until a few days ago?

why do i feel like he's being the worst friend that anyone could ever find... and yet he's the only friend i want to have right now?

just a year ago, my dreams were filled with actually marrying this guy... now my dreams are filled with simply TALKING to this guy...

so much can happen in so little time... and so little needs to happen to hurt me so much...