Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Since when...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009
When did we start running out of things to say?
When did we suddenly have so little interests in common?

I feel like I've suddenly stepped into a different world.. that we're suddenly not the same anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love you anymore, it doesn't mean I'm doubting any of our choices.. but suddenly it doesn't seem so easy.

Not that it was always easy. I know I've made it completely difficult many, many times.. But what changed??? How come it feels so tiring.. so monotonous.. so "not what it used to be"?

I miss you... I miss having you randomly text me that you still appreciate me, I miss when you would tell me how grateful you were to be with me, I miss knowing how proud you were that I was with you, and you had "such a catch" (okay, I know.. not your words..).. I miss you, baby.

I'm sure I haven't done my share of appreciating you either though. In fact, I KNOW I've been thoroughly distracted and stressed out in many other aspects in my life.. and by me having an emotional breakdown to you may have seemed unfair.

But it's just that you truly are my best friend... I figure I could come to you with anything and everything.. I try to "choose my battles" and avoid the small stuff.. because I've learned through past experiences that bringing up all the small stuff can lead to a disaster...

I'm learning now, however, that holding everything back isn't healthy either... as made obvious through last night's cry-fest. I really don't know what caused the eruption though.. it just kind of happened.. and I'm sorry.

I'm getting my life back to normal... I'm working my way back to being the independent person I used to be.. I know that's one of the things you loved about me before, but I'm doing it more for myself.. I've changed so much over the past year that I know has resulted from my adaptation to a slower pace... which has been great, but I need to get back to standing on my own two feet again...

It's going to take time, but I know that eventually, I'll be a lot easier to deal with... I promise... In the meantime, I just hope you will have enough patience and strength to cope... I love you, baby... I love you with all my heart... and I'm going to need you to love me just as much to get through this... I need to start working hard to get where I need and want to be in life... both in my own life and our life... together...

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