starting over

Ok I'm back to normal. No more hoping for a "miracle" or "fairy tale ending". Back to these amazing dates. And crushes that last a New York Minute hahaha

So this guy I met... at work... hmmm.... :wink:

And then there's this guy I've known... hmm... :shrug:

And then there's the older guy (well, they're all actually older, but that's how I've always known this guy)... well... I'm not sure what's the deal with this guy yet....


We'll see. We'll see.

I'm back in the game (^_*)

what if.

What if it's all happening for a reason?

What if the hopeless romantic in me hasn't died yet... and it's starting to grow again?

If that's the case, then I'm going to get hurt. again. And it's probably going to hurt more than ever.

For the first time since I found out he got into an (pretty bad but thank GOD not fatal) accident, I cried last night. And I cried today, after work. I was watching Grey's Anatomy (from last week)... and one character posed a question that has hit me all too often: "If I suddenly went missing or disappeared... would anyone notice?"

No, I'm not just looking for attention. I just got really, really emotional... and YES, I know it's not good for me... I know I need to suck it up and go back to being strong...

But I made a mistake. Or rather, I made a decision to change my lifestyle... again. I decided to step out of denial and fall back in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

hopeless dreaming

this blog is actually not going to be as well-thought out as my previous posts. i can't get my thoughts straight, and i'm sure it's going to show... but i feel like i need to just let it all out...

i want to be friends again. but i have a feeling he doesn't want the same thing. i think he's scared that i still have feelings for him and it will complicate things between us. the truth is, i know i still have feelings for him, but i know it won't complicate things between us.

i'm still enjoying my single life. good for him that he found a girlfriend. i guess i was just upset that he introduced her to his friends as his girlfriend... but when we were together, they didn't even know my name. and he lied to me saying that he didn't want a girlfriend during college. so now i start to wonder how much he lied about when we were together. and that's what hurts. not the fact that he moved on... the fact that he is now a liar to me.

and yes, i really do still have feelings for him. but that's because he was such a big part of my life, and i will never, ever get over him. i will always keep him close to my heart because he was there for me through some of the toughest years of my life. granted, some of those moments were tough because we were together... but he was still there for me so i could keep my head up.

which is why i want to be friends again. i can't just lose what we had completely. we had a special connection and he knew me better than all my friends combined.

we have a date on friday night. i wonder if he'll somehow cancel on me last second. i wonder if we'll be able to talk. i wonder if we'll ever see each other again after that. i wonder if he still thinks about me.

all these random questions in my mind!! nothing ever gets answered because he's been immature enough to not return my calls... not to ever call me... not to ever TALK to me... yes we "caught up" a little last wednesday... but minimally. we made small talk. we gossiped. we got to know each other.

but i also realized that he already knew a lot of what was going on in my life. how is it that he knows so much about how i've been... and yet i didn't even know he had an actual girlfriend until a few days ago?

why do i feel like he's being the worst friend that anyone could ever find... and yet he's the only friend i want to have right now?

just a year ago, my dreams were filled with actually marrying this guy... now my dreams are filled with simply TALKING to this guy...

so much can happen in so little time... and so little needs to happen to hurt me so much...

am i really a commitment-phobe?

So being single is a blast. I go on dates that mean nothing more than having a good time. I am slowly learning which types of boys mean trouble for me. I'm finding out what makes me happy and what turns me off. And I'm becoming closer to my girl friends too.

But part of me wonders about being in a relationship again. I mean, I DO have my heart set on SOMEONE, but I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready for that. I miss some parts of being in a relationship... holding hands, talking on the phone late at night before one of us can't keep our eyes open any longer, random emails/messages/letters, random gifts, spur-of-the-moment dates to baskin robbins or mcdonalds. The simple things. I miss the simple pleasures of having someone special. When I really think about it, I miss the arguing too. I miss arguing over jealousy rivals, who calls who more, who misses who more (ok not really this one), how seeing each other is so hard with busy schedules in the way...

I know I can get all of these through dating, but I don't think it's the same.

I want the butterflies back.