insomnia

"So I guess there's no easy way to move on from a relationship. You can't flip a switch and suddenly be over it. Because the road really is full of hidden potholes.

You can try staying in the relationship. You can stay home and dream of the perfect unobtainable one.

But in the end... it just takes time."

- Men in Trees

Give it time, and eventually all the wounds will heal.. and the ones that don't... the ones that "harden, scab up, and scar" are the ones that will always be with you. Life isn't about forgetting. You cannot simply forget the good times. You can forgive the bad times, but even those are not meant to be forgotten. At the same time, you cannot live in the past either. Just sit back, remember everything.. and smile.

Do not regret anything. What is the point in regretting? It's in the past and cannot be changed. All that is left is the present.

I've stressed so much lately about the past. I've cried for hours thinking about how I managed to screw up my last relationship.. how I lost "the One that got away".. how I ruined my future with stupid mistakes and choices.

But then I realized that if none of those things had happened, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be who I am today. So instead of wishing for things to happen and people to come back to me.. I'm going to make the most out of NOW. I reflect on all the events in the past few months.. I read my old posts.. I look back at all the pictures.. I'm definitely changing.. I'm definitely growing.

I want to continue growing up and maturing.. I want to cherish every moment I have.. I know this won't last that long.. because of course, life isn't perfect either. I will have an emotional breakdown again.. and again.. and again.. but that's something I know to just accept. The important thing is that I now know how to stand back up.. by myself. I don't need a guy to be there for me to tell me that everything will be okay.. I don't need someone to tell me I'm beautiful or that I'm going to make someone very happy someday. I don't need anyone to tell me anything that I don't already know.

I am amazing. I can stand on my own two feet, and I won't let anyone bring me down.

the pursuit of happyness

as I look back at all the pictures I have saved on my computer, I've come to understand that I am happiest when I'm surrounded by my friends. I know that this is pretty much a given in life, but the one thing I noticed is that the pictures that I look happiest are the sober pictures. Ever since I started partying and going out more often, I've come to adopt the bitter taste of vodka, rum, and my personal shot-of-choice, tequila.

While it loosens me up, however, I've also come to realize that it makes me obnoxious and annoying. I'm giving up the "drunken nights" for a while.. I don't want to forget any of the memories I'm creating with my friends..

That's not to say I'm going completely dry.. I'll still take a couple shots here and there.. but as far as waking up in the morning, realizing "what have I done?!".. well.. those memories won't be made for a very long time..

I'm cleaning up my act.. because it's time to grow out of this stage in my life.. I'm going to re-learn what makes me happy.. and who makes me happy..

For the first time in a while, I'm going to try to find someone who truly makes me happy.. someone who will treat me how I deserve to be treated.. with respect and kindness.. with love and adoration..

Yes, I understand it may take a while.. hell, it might take a LONG time.. but in the meantime, I'm done with the crazy college parties for a while.. at least until I can prove, if only for myself, that I'm better than that..

One ought to seek out virtue for its own sake, without being influenced by fear or hope, or by any external influence. Moreover, that in that does happiness consist.
- Diogenes Laertius, Zeno

true story.

me (10:49:32 PM): i hate him.
friend (10:49:55 PM): why is that?
me (10:49:54 PM): i will never stop loving him. and because of that.. i hate him
me (10:50:02 PM): i hate that no matter how hard i try to get over him, he's always there. me (10:50:19 PM): he's always going to be someone that i want back.. because of everything he ever meant to me
me (10:50:36 PM): he was terrible to me
me (10:51:04 PM): u know that? i bragged about him all the time.. but it was because i was stupid enough to think that everytime something went wrong, it was my fault
me (10:51:22 PM): he knew that.. and because he knew that i never blamed him, he never blamed himself either
me (10:51:38 PM): and now that he's realized all of this, he has a new girlfriend.. and he's 'making things right' with her
me (10:51:49 PM): she's getting exactly what he thinks i wanted in a boyfriend
me (10:52:00 PM): all the things he realized he did wrong to me, he's doing right with her me (10:52:09 PM): because relationships come in patterns
me (10:52:14 PM): but in the end, you just get hurt
me (10:52:27 PM): if you truly love the person, you're the one that gets hurt

primetime television

sometimes i wonder if anyone can see through me anymore... if anyone realizes that i still want to be loved. that i still want to have someone tell me they will always be there for me... someone to "catch me if i fall"...

that's not to say i can't do it on my own. because with all i've been through, i know i can. and i know that i will. but it's always comforting to know that people are behind you to love and support you.

maybe i AM thinking too much into it. maybe i'm just way too hormonal. maybe i'm watching too much drama-primetime television. but either way, i've suddenly realized how alone i am now. how temporary every close kinship has been... how temporary the feeling of exhilaration has felt...

but is it too much to ask for someone to love me? have i really turned into that much of an unapproachable hard-ass bitch? or am i just being stupid and blind?