start of something new?

fall 2006 = new me?

so i went to a party on saturday... and it was with a group of people i honestly didn't hang out with much... actually, it was the first time i had spent longer than 5 minutes with them ever!
well, first we went to go watch the football game. not bad ~ we won... but i really wasn't paying attention to the game... i was amazed at how great i got along with everyone that was there... i felt like i fit in somehow... like i wasn't just on the outside of this little group of friends...

then we got to my friend's apartment, since that's where the party was... well, people started to drink, but i didnt (along with a couple others)... that's when i started to notice a change... the girls became more outgoing, and MUCH louder and crazier than me, and i felt myself flying towards the walls... i felt pretty out of place, but at the same time, i was enjoying watching how 'the other world' lives... on one hand, i felt like a loser ~ i kept thinking "i'm not one of them" "i'm not cool enough to be here"... but the other half realized that these were my friends. no, they're not my best friends, but i WAS invited, right? and people WERE still hanging out with me... and hey! i even got a lot of hugs from one guy and a mini massage from another...

the whole night actually got me thinking though... i'm supposed to be learning to move on. i've already decided that i'm not going to get into another relationship, but i'm going to go out and have as much fun as i can while i'm still in college. but the conclusion i came up with as i drove away from the apartments was that the girls who were drinking and dancing... THEY were having fun... i was quiet and kept to myself, and i was not the life of the party [i enjoy the attention generally].... am i doing something wrong? if i don't change and conform to the 'norms' of the party scene, will i really just become a face in the crowd? will i end up getting 'the nice guys', the 'relationship' guys? i don't WANT a relationship... i want to have fun... but if i'm the more 'mature, conservative' type, won't that only attract the 'mature, conservative' type of guys??

:ugh: i think too much. that's why i can't have fun.

it's funny how love works.

I knew it was the right thing to do. It was the best for the both of us - we could both focus on our studies... I wouldn't be distracted, and he wouldn't have to worry about having another major committment and have to lose all his freetime with me.

But somehow, this doesn't feel any better. Maybe it's because it's only the first week of school and I don't really have much to keep myself from thinking about him. But somehow, I feel that this hurts more than if we had remained friends. I regret it so much -- telling him that it would hurt to not be in a relationship and just be friends, because we pretty much suck at being just friends. I miss him. I really, really miss him. Everywhere I go, I see or hear something that makes me think of him. I hear a song I sang to him once, or one that he sang to me. My friends make a joke that I think he would find hilarious. I see people that transferred to my school that are his friends too. I watch a preview for a movie that I want to watch with him. I went into the toy aisle of a store and found toys that I wanted to buy him!

I can't get him out of my mind! We ended the relationship because we wanted to focus on our studies and keep our minds in the right places, but it's not working. I'm still constantly thinking about how much I miss him and how much I wish I could just talk to him and smile with him. I haven't smiled much lately. And I haven't opened up to anyone either. He was my best friend. I feel so alone without him. I feel my heart literally breaking every time I think about him. I miss him so much. And I don't know what to do about it.

I can't just "keep myself busy" and be okay with it. This isn't right, and I know it. We deserve to be together, and the fact that we're both going through such a hard time [at least, I think he is] proves that breaking up wasn't what we were supposed to do.

past. present. future.

You can't get to your future if your past is in your present.

I never quite remembered how the quote went, so I paraphrased and made up my own. That's what I came up with. I think about that everytime we fight. It's run through my mind so often lately that I start to wonder if this fight is worth fighting. I'm trying so desperately hard to keep us together -- why? Because I have put more dedication and committment into us than I have in anyone or anything else. I hate to admit it, but I hardly ever finish what I start. I always say I'll change, but I don't. There has only been one case in which I persisted in what I believed in, in what I would put my life on the line for -- and that's being with him.

No relationship is easy; that's a given. But when is it all too much? How many teardrops have to fall before you have to come to realize that something is seriously wrong?

I want to be able to just make everything better. I've attempted, but failed so often already. I feel like I'm the only one making an attempt though -- but I can't bring myself to say that to him because I don't want to be asking for too much.

He's got me wrapped around his finger, for the most part. Sometimes I'm able to put my foot down and tell him what's on my mind, but the instant I hang up on him, or the instant he starts to break down, I stop. I reconsider. I apologize. I take back what I say to make him happy.

And I'm only realizing now what he's been trying to tell me. How can he love me if I can't even be someone who sticks to what she believes in? Even as I write this blog I'm fighting with myself. I believe in our relationship, I still have hope. But I'm exhausted from the battle. I need him to help me keep going. But I feel as if he has given up the fight, or at least has sit down to 'think' (even though at the given moment I'm in bed, praying he'll call me later, while he's off with friends bonding and having a good time).

Who am I kidding (other than myself)? I'm in denial -- I'm not in anything that's in the least bit healthy. I am not happy, and it's because of my own actions and decisions that I'm not happy.

So, what do I do now? He's my best friend, too. So AM I ready to lose a best friend too?

More Sex & the City Reflections

So in one of the episodes in Season Four, Miranda meets a guy at the gym. He finds her sexy [in fact he keeps repeating that statement several times in the episode] and Miranda hardly even says a word. She feels so confident about herself and she, herself, begins to believe how sexy she can be. This is a pretty exciting moment, since she hardly ever sees herself as 'sexy' ('cute' and 'intelligent', yes). So on the next date, she decided to tell Mr. Bodybuilder all about herself, and she even boldly leans in for a kiss to initiate some fire. Because she is caught up in her newfound self-confidence, she is a bit surprised/confused when he ends up calling it a night before her lips touch his.

Why, you ask?

Well, at the gym in a later scene, after not having returned any of her calls, Mr. Bodybuilder admits to Miranda that "she's a bit full of herself"

So all that time that Miranda was able to carry a wave of self-pride, but it was a turn off to the guy she was dating because he felt that she was just too cocky for him.

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Alright so girls deserve to feel sexy. I'm not saying everyone should go out and there and leave nothing to the imagination for guys walking down the street, but at least they should be able to feel like they are the most beautiful, most powerful woman in town.

I started feeling this way recently and decided I wanted to feel like that. I've been a little depressed because of some drama that has complicated my life way beyond my comfort zone, so I did what I do best in stressful situations:

I went shopping.

Because I wanted to feel more "sexy" I decided to go splurge at Victoria's Secret. I ended up buying a nice new collection of lingerie that definitely boosted my confidence.

Today I went on a little group date with him and a few friends and I wore my new "Very Sexy Infinity Edge" push up bra with 2 layered tank tops and capris. As I got dressed in the morning I truly felt sexier than I had ever felt in the past week.s

When I was finally alone with him, however, he admitted that he had been upset that I was wearing such a revealing outfit, and that he couldn't understand why I would buy a bra to make my 'assets' look bigger, meaning guys would look.

I instantly felt that wave of pride wash away with each word he spoke. I understood where he was coming from, but it FELT so good to LOOK that good that I was thoroughly saddened that he was not happy for me, or even excited about my new lingerie. It truly got me wondering, though. Should I be feeling guilty? Every girl deserves her moments of sexiness and pride. But is there a difference between a girl who is proud of her body and a whore?