more baby talk.

ugh. came across a message on a radio station message board today:

I was actually surprised on how many girls actually keep their babies at such a young age. I've had this discussion with my boyfriend. If I ended up pregnant, there would be absolutly no way I would keep it. (And he supports me 100%.) Like the other callers, I wouldn't even go through 9 months just to give it up for adoption. I would definatly want an abortion. It's not that I don't want kids. It's just that even at almost 21, I know I'm too young to be havin' babies, and I don't want to ruin the rest of my life with a kid. I know that sounds bad, but I just wouldn't do that to myelf, my boyfriend, or our families. If I ended up pregnant and wanted an abortion, I wouldn't even tell my family (they would freak!) I think you need to talk about this topic for a longer time because there's just so many different topics and concerns that spin off from it. I mean, you didn't even go into talking about the plan B pill. I had to take it one time just to be safe. And in a way, that's sort of an abortion in itself, which is also an option for young kids who have had unprotected sex. But I just wanted to leave a little comment to get my thoughts out there. It was a great show! :-)

rawr.

one month

23 seems to be a pretty amazing number.
a month ago he realized he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
and today he realized he loved me.

he worries that i'm going to realize i made a mistake.. or that he's going to get hurt badly..

but i have no doubt in my mind whatsoever.. this is for real.

i love him too..

deep dark secret?

Story #1
I've known her since my freshman year of high school. She was the girl who threatened to beat up all the other girls. The girl who guys were intimidated by. The girl who got kicked out because she never went to class. She was "that girl". I come across her occasionally because people in her family are regulars at my work. She remembers me. In fact, last week, she was all smiles (a side of her I had never previously seen). She walked up to the counter where I was standing and said, "Guess what! I'm having a boy!"

Story #2
At 17 years old, you're not even an adult. You think you own the world, but you really hardly know anything about it. My ex-boyfriend's younger sister is 17. At the beginning of this month, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. And named him Aiden.

Story #3
A quiet couple in high school, I knew these two from the beginning of their relationship. They were like any other couple, holding hands, arguing about little things, etc. We all graduated high school 3 years ago, and went our separate ways. I encountered the two online (myspace connections of course), and I discovered that they now have the most adorable 2-year-old and are now (happily?) married.

Even though I know I am hardly at a mature enough stage in my life to start settling down and having kids, I can't help but wish I had what all these people have. I have such a passion for kids, and I can't wait to have my own. I see that they, even in their premature stages of adulthood, are able to somehow make it work.

I'm in a relationship that is developing steadily, and I am truly happy. I'm not trying to suggest that I want to rush anything, or suddenly "forget" to take my pill or anything.. Like I said, I know I'm not ready for that stage of my life yet.

Every time I hear about girls my age becoming pregnant or already having 1- or 2-year old sons and daughters, I verbally express their foolish ways. In reality, however, I'm being a hypocrite. I know what to say, I know how to act and respond, but deep down, I'm jealous. I can't help but think, "It's not fair!"

I want one. =(

relapse.

I'm scared of relapsing into bad habits. I'm scared of someday getting paranoid and jealous again.. of someday getting too committed, too clingy again.. of someday getting hurt again..

I know I'm past the infatuation stage because I already know it's not perfect. I already know I have a problem, but I don't want to talk about it with him yet because I want to try to make it not bother me so much first.. because I don't want to make a big deal out of it.. but I know that when I do, it will be a big deal.

It's the ex-factor. It's starting to hurt me. And I don't know why. But I'm starting to feel a bit annoyed, a bit stressed, a bit disappointed.

Blah. Relapse.