difficult decisions

sometimes, you listen to your heart.. and you never regret a single decision..

but it's hard when you want to think and believe one way, but the world is against you.. no one is on your side and everyone makes you think you are wrong..

i want to believe that i am doing the right thing.. i want to believe that i am finally making a choice all by myself, and that i won't regret this later on..

but i'm starting to regret it already.. i'm already starting to believe that others are right -- that i AM going to get hurt again.. i'm already starting to feel it..

but i still want to believe that i can make it work.. that we can make it work.. but somehow i feel as if i'm the only one willing to work..

when it rains it pours.

venting out the pain

i never cheated on you.. what hurt you about ME was that i had a past, and i did things that i should be ashamed of.. but by the time i had met you, i had changed all of that.. i was GOOD to you.. yeah, i'm a bit of a drama queen sometimes, but i'm only human.. i lose my temper sometimes.. but i took care of you, i sacrificed a lot of things to be with you, i would put my life on hold just for you.. but instead of giving that back to me, you betrayed me.. you lied and cheated.. and you did it more than once.. and for some reason, you were able to bring yourself to hope that i could forgive you..

and what you did to me really should be unforgivable.. i really shouldn't be talking to you anymore.. but i am giving you a second chance because i hope you will be able to fix this. i've learned the hard way not to run away from pain and heartbreak.. i've learned to have more faith in others.. i forgive you but i will never forget.. i will always be wondering if you've said the same thing to her.. if you've made her laugh with the same jokes.. if you've made her mad with the same drama.. if you've kissed her the same way you kiss me.. if you hold her the same way you hold me.. as hard as i try, i can't erase it from my mind.. and i dont know.. maybe that's a good thing..

one thing i have learned from you is to not always have my guard down.. that i can truly hurt myself if i do.. you got lucky - you finally let your guard down, and the person who you did it with treated you with gentleness.. i mean yes i was bitter and sarcastic at times, but you got it easy. when i have my guard down, people walk all over me.

i know you're taking it in slow steps, but there is one step i cannot wait for you to take. it is simply wrong for you to have two. you have to choose, and you have to choose now. if you cannot make the choice, i will make it for you. simple as that.

feelings

[* WARNING: i'm pretty moody right now. i'll probably regret half of what i say in this blog *]

i hate feeling so disposable.. so temporary.. i miss being needed. i miss being valuable.

i hate feeling as if i'm annoying or pesky.. i miss feeling as if i'm friendly or generous.

i hate feeling like a secret. i miss feeling like a prize.

i hate having to plan everything. i miss surprises.

i hate having to work such a budget. i miss gifts.

wasn't it only a year ago that i decided i wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't admit that we were in a relationship? wasn't it only a year ago that i decided i wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who changed me? wasn't it only a year ago that i decided i could stand on my own two feet?

why is it that suddenly i feel like i need someone to make me happy? why is it that suddenly i feel like i should expect so much out of a person? why is it that suddenly i feel like i should play games in hopes that i will be happy in the end?

well.. i guess you could call them games. but i mean, i'm being honest and being truly concerned and caring, but in the back of my mind i sometimes wish.. when i am upset, i say things that might upset the other person.. so what do i do? dissolve all my anger and focus on keeping the other person happy. i instantly ask 'what's wrong' or 'are you okay?' and if i know the answer is negative but the person says otherwise, i convince them that everything IS okay.. and if not, then i can fix things.. but in the back of my mind, i wish someone would ask me if i'm okay.. without me having to make it obvious. i wish someone would tell me that they will do whatever it takes to keep me happy..

whenever i feel that a celebration is needed, i go out of my way to make it a fun celebration.. i buy food, i bake / cook / prepare things, i plan (not so) random outings + activities.. in the end i realize i'm not as spontaneous as i used to be.. i miss having someone surprise me with a "i'm taking you somewhere. i have the whole day planned.. just relax and let me do the work"..

but of course i'm just dreaming. i'm too difficult of a person to plan things for.. i'm too stressed of a person to enjoy something like that with.. so i solve the problem in advance and just plan everything myself.. if i just got a promotion or accomplished something, i plan my own parties. i plan my own celebrations.. but sometimes i dream.. :sigh: iono.. sometimes i just hope that someday it'll happen...

expectations

I'm sorry that I've expected so much from you lately. It isn't fair to you or our relationship.. I know there are certain things that I truly desire and wish for, but I know that I still should not get upset if I don't get these things..

I care about you a lot, so I shouldn't let little things get in the way of that. I've learned that to really "grow up", you have to choose your battles wisely.. not every problem we encounter is something that needs to provoke an argument or cause tears.

This is not to say that I will back down from something I believe I truly deserve. If you're wondering what this entails exactly, I can't really answer that completely. I can let you know, however, a few details, all of which should be givens I guess..

First of all, I deserve to be treated with respect. I am 20 years old, not 10. I do not deserve to be treated as if I am a child who is just whining about not getting her way. Sometimes, I have something important to say too. Sometimes, I'm right, and I just need you to accept that.. Otherwise, it's difficult for ME to accept that I can be right too. I want you to let your guard down and just let me see that you have a weaker side too.

I deserve the right to be told I am appreciated.. Yes, I guess I shouldn't be needing to be TOLD, but I love hearing it. I love knowing that my hard work is paying off. And YES, I do believe I work hard at keeping my friends happy.. I know I complain at times, but like I said, I'm only human.

I deserve to have dreams. You are my CLOSEST companion.. I share things with you more than anyone else.. among these things I share with you, dreams are one of the most intimate "secrets" I have. I don't think it's too much to ask that you just listen. Sometimes I don't even really need you to have much of an opinion because I know you might not even care at all.. but having you listen to what I have to say makes me feel as if you don't have anything else on your mind but me.

You know how important you are to me. You know how much power you have to change my life; your opinion is something I not only value, but anticipate. I am one who loves to have a second opinion.. but not just ANY second opinion.. I need it from someone who is willing to give me an honest perspective. That's you.

From now on, I will be careful not to get in the way of your life.. but in the back of my mind, I hope that you will not see it this way.. that you will hope to have me as PART of your life.. I hope that you will miss me when we are away, and get excited when we see each other. I guess it's because that's how I am with you.. and part of me feels like I could only hope that you feel the same way about me.